I felt a tear slowly forge a path down my cheek as her hypnotic voice asked me to move forward in time once again. I didn’t want to move forward, I wasn’t ready to face my fear. I kept looking back, drawn to my past, to him. I grabbed onto a thought that would make my heart beat again. With every ounce of my subconscious strength I held onto the energy of the man who captured my heart. I felt alive again.
He walked toward me, glistening with sweat from working hard in the field. His walk commanded my attention, taking my breath away. In slow motion his strong hands reached out and cupped my jaw on both sides slowly bringing me close enough to feel his breath on my mouth. He stared deep into my soul, taking me to a place I had never been with any man before. Like a tornado he stirred every emotion in my body spinning me out of control with no conscious thought. He had such passion and want in his eyes. Nothing could break through the spiritual connection we were creating in that moment. I would remembered it for eternity.
I heard her soft guiding voice in the distance, muffled like I was hearing it through the wall. She kept repeating the same words over and over. I was lost in my story not wanting to come back up the spiral staircase to reality…she gently repeated “You need to move on, if you don’t you won’t find the answer you are looking for”.
I hesitantly moved forward in time and found myself standing in a familiar spot. I looked towards the tree up on the hill where our son was sitting quietly looking into the vibrant green canopy of leaves that were ready to burst with new life. It was spring again, my favourite season. The breeze was cool this time, fresh subtle fragrance filled the air. The birds were oddly quiet as if they knew what was about to come…
The distant rumble was clearer than any other time. I was waiting for it, anticipated it. I sensed the moment my eyes opened that morning that this was the day. I walked as if in a procession to greet the gentleman who had brought my letters of love in the past. He couldn’t hide his emotions. His eyes told me my heart was about to be shattered into a million pieces. He surely would not have wanted to be the one to deliver this letter, I was thankful it was he who did.
I stoically held my head high as he softly placed the letter in my hand. I closed my eyes to recalled his scent so he could stand next to me and give me his strength. His energy was not within the folded corners. My nose touched the unfamiliar penmanship. His scent, absent. There was nothing. As the tears rolled down my cheeks I opened the handwritten letter to face my biggest fear. I saw words such as brave, strength, respected, sincerely, hero and then I heard his voice faintly whisper the word s-o-r-r-y into my ear.
Our son stood behind me silently with tears flowing down his flush cheeks. We stood with arms wrapped tight around one another, not a word was said. We were all we had left. I felt the presence of his strength circle us as we sobbed silently. I was grateful in that moment to have him in my arms with the same blood pumping through his veins as his father. He would be my forever now.