I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For…


IMG_4498First I must ask…“Did I recently lose something?” Wasn’t my virginity, that was lost longggggg ago. My kids are still here so we’re good there. <—- kinda weird I mentioned virginity and kids right after the other but what the hell, they don’t read my blog. I haven’t technically ‘lost’ something so I must now determine what exactly it is that I am looking for? That’s the million dollar question! “What am I looking for?” If I could just figure that out I’d at least know where to look…right? I can hear Bonnie right now inside my head, gently whispering“Stop looking and let ‘it’ find you” and “If you could figure out what you wanted, you would get it!” True dat! Since I was a child I’ve had a difficult time choosing between two things. Making choices and not wonder about whether or not you made the right one is the hard part for me. Second guessing yourself takes you out of the moment! I am learning to follow the path my instincts lead me down with an open mind and heart. This doesn’t always work out but at least I am moving and not standing still. You know that feeling you get when you see something and you HAVE to have it? Those are life experiences jumping up and down trying to get your attention! Grab on with both hands and don’t let go! What could go wrong?

I have finally come to realize that I am not looking for something I have lost, what is behind me is not lost but let go of, there is a difference. I am looking for something different now, something that takes time and experience to be redefined by my life, age, circumstances and there is a lot more to it now than there was before. For instance, I gave up a career when I had kids, I did not lose it, it was a choice I made. I’ve let go of things in my life by choice and it’s trusting those choices that is important to be able to move forward in life. I gained life experience and lessons along the way by following my heart. I can’t compare what I had then with what I have now, I am different, life is different. I have been given a chance to start fresh in all areas of my life, a GIFT when looked at in the right perspective!

I don’t want anything permanent in my life anymore unless I get that feeling I mentioned, of having to have something that overpowers you with passion!

I would rather be naked standing with nothing than dressed in a beige life. Balance and Perspective!

I think everyone should take time on their own when they are at the redefining stage of their life. You have to allow yourself to let go before you can move forward and focus on the beginning of what is yet to come.

What I am looking for is becoming clearer with each life experience. When I find me…I will be ready for ‘it’! Some days I am deflated by reality which brings me crashing down from the cloud I call home, and other days I am floating effortlessly from a place so high it brings a smile to my face just writing these words to describe it. Balance and Perspective!

So here I sit once again open and honest with my life, sharing who I am with you because I know somewhere, someone can relate and I want you to know that you are not alone!

“Do Not Feel Lonely the Entire Universe is Inside You” ~ Rumi

Tracy signiture


9 thoughts on “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For…

  1. For many years now I’ve felt honoured and grateful that you’ve shared who you are with me and now, through your writing, others can too. It’s all good…great even.

    I love that you can hear my voice in your head, even when I’m not beside you. Mwah ha ha!

    I really love the picture you chose for your post. How perfect is that!!

    Balance and perspective. Sums it up doesn’t it. I love how you’ve discovered how you haven’t really lost anything…just chosen something different. Again, it’s all good.

    I can hardly wait to have our long deep “what does it all mean” conversations at the end of the dock this summer. I love listening to you connect the dots and sound all knowing and wise and grown up…and then dissolve into giggles as the conversation goes sideways and silly, as it always does. I think we should change our tag line to read “finding joy in everyday happenings” cause that’s really what it’s all about and you’re so good at it!

    • (((((((smile)))))) I am sitting here with <~~~~ that huge smile stretching across my entire face! I have never once regretted sharing any part of my life with you...even when you write about it because you keep me balanced and true! You have helped me be me throughout the years and I am grateful for that! I not only hear your voice Bon, I feel your calm gentle energy that comes with it. I feel safe knowing you are there for me along my journey. I too look forward to our deep 'what does it all mean' conversations just as I look forward to our shallow very surface ones! hehe Having the kids experience you has brought them to understand that I am not that strange after all! I mean that in the most loving way! lol I also look forward to you meeting my man...when that time comes 🙂 You have meshed with my own inner dialog, now there are three of us having a conversation in there! Finding Joy in Everyday Happenings! Too True! xoxo

  2. I respect anyone who has the courage to search for truth and the openess of mind to accept it even when it comes in a form that is unexpected. I would challenge all of us to consider one thing; so often we are told to look inside for the answer, which logically makes no sense. It’s sort of like being told that the answer to the test is on the back and all you need to do is flip it over; yet when you do there is no answer or certainly not one to the questions you are asking.

    I think it makes more sense to suggest that the answer is external to us. Yes it can be brought inside us and perhaps that is where the confusion arises but first you have to connect with it on the outside before you deal with it on the inside.

    Rumi’s quote “do not feel lonely the whole universe is inside you” is rendered at best, irrelevant and at worst false, by our experience. If by the universe it is meant the physical matter of planets, stars, space etc. then the statement is patently false. If something more esoteric, such as a divine being is intended this would still represent something that is external to ourselves and therefore the search for relationship with it would still necessarily begin on the outside; only moving inside once some sort of contact had been made.

    Bono had it right so many of us still haven’t found what we’re looking for but that will never change so long as we are looking in the wrong place.

    • Sean,
      I too “respect anyone who has the courage to search for truth and the openness of mind to accept it when it comes in a form that is unexpected.” I also respect those who have to courage to speak their truth even when their voice shakes! Being honest with others and true to yourself is a good base to any character.

      I think when we are told to look inside for the answers it because each one of us is unique, which makes us all react to life experience in our own way depending on our past, present and what we are willing to accept in our futures. Every human beings journey in life is different. We all have lessons to learn that we are able to share.

      I don’t agree with your analogy about looking inside being the same as flipping your test over to find the answers on the back of the paper. I suppose if you look at life as a test that might relate. I don’t believe life is a test. I believe life is about finding joy and living your life as an example spreading joy and inspiration to those you cross paths with.

      I think if we pay attention and learn or evolve as human beings the answers are within us. Just as we study for a test the knowledge is kept inside us until we require to show we have retained it. Life is not about right or wrong when you are choosing a path that fits you individually, it is different and unique to each of us, meaning all of our ‘answers’ are different from person to person. What you accept to be right in your life does not mean that your ‘right’ is good for me.

      I think I see where you are going with this and recognize this could easily come down to our personal belief systems.

      I personally believe that everything I am looking for starts from within me. I do not need to have an ‘outside’ source to feel whole. I believe my own conscience is a measuring stick that helps make choices in life that feel right for me. I don’t judge others for their believe or choices because they are ‘their’ choices not mine.

      Rumi’s quote clearly does not mean that the stars, space and planets are within us physically. However we are just energy and reflections of light. My interpretation of his quote is that we are all the same energy so with that we should not feel alone. We are all an important part of the Universe in which we live, here on Earth. If you believe there is one divine being I still think you as a human have to find your own way and be a leader finding what is best for you, no one else.

      While on the path to finding your truth you learn to live it along the way. Until then you are simply going through the motions. Believing something and living it or practising it, are two different things. Believing is easy, actually living what you believe is where life gets momentum and takes you places you are meant to go.

      Thanks for the stimulating comment!
      Tracy 😉

      • What I have learned over the years is that what I am looking for is a ‘feeling’ nothing more. I will know by the change in my physiology when I have found it. Whether it be my new place of residence I feel at home in, or a relationship that I feel comfort in, or my place of employment that makes me want to go to work each day.

        Writing is something that gives me that feeling!

        A feeling…;)

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