Heels Firmly Dug In

stubborn goat

Bonniebygate

“Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be too late!”
White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland

“It’s a strange thing, but when you are dreading something, and would give anything to slow down time, it has a disobliging habit of speeding up.”
–J.K. Rowling

Confession: I do not like to be told what to do, and more importantly when to do it. I can still hear my mom telling me “Clean your room!” and me saying “I will!” but thinking, when I’m good and ready to. The mood has to hit me first. I need to be inspired to clean my room and then watch out, I’ll clean the bee-jeebies out of that room, but in my own time. Ya, so that didn’t go over very well. The truth is that when I was a teenager, I rarely felt inspired to clean anything. I fought her every time, but I also lost every time.

The same can be said about writing letters. I was made to write people letters when I was young, usually to thank them for a gift. It’s the right thing to do of course. I liked to write, but not letters for some reason. I viewed writing letters as a chore, an expected chore, so I would dig my heels in and resist any way I could. This followed me well into my adult life. Years after my ex and I were apart and living on opposite coasts, I received in the mail one day a box of cute writing paper and envelopes from his mother. A box of 12. Each envelope was addressed back to her and had a stamp already in place. The idea was that I sit down with my son every few weeks and write a few lines to let her know how we were doing and what we were up to. A nice gesture? I’m sure she meant it as such. About 15 years later I was searching for something unrelated and came across that box of writing paper and envelopes, and you guessed it, all 12 stamped envelopes still waiting for their self-addressed journey that would never come. The combined postage probably couldn’t mail one letter today.

I can see the same thing happening with my gym routine. Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays are the chosen gym days. Tuesdays, Thursdays and some Sundays are supposed to be run days. These were my rules. I decided on the schedule but as soon as my husband starts to suggest that perhaps its time to go I get really cranky. I immediately go into Don’t Tell Me What To Do mode and I start resisting. I know! I’m a petulant child. At almost 50 years old, I’m still just a petulant child.

This brings me to my commitment of post writing for this blog. When we started this little blog there were three of us. We divided the week up so that we each would write a new blog post twice a week and then do a combined post on the 7th day. That meant there was a new post up every day. We kept that up for quite a long time, then someone, and I think it was probably me, suggested we only write 1 post each and just leave it up for our 2 days. That worked for quite awhile too. Then somebody, probably me, suggested that we cut back the post writing even more, and we did. When one of our team of three chose to sign off indefinitely and we were down to only 2, we each took on some extra writing. That worked for a bit, but then somebody, quite likely me, decided it was too much so we cut it back again. Now, we have agreed to each write only once every two weeks and post on Monday. Simple. Lots of time to find some inspiration. We get to write about whatever we want to so the possibilities are endless, the time vast, the pressure is off and yet…

So there you have it.  I’m posting this little confession in the form of my blog post…at this time, late on a Tuesday instead of first thing last Monday morning. Plus, as an added bonus, I’ve been working on it at 6pm on this Tuesday, despite, no precisely because that is our expected dinner hour. Not that my husband has that expectation, although I’m sure he’s hungry, but it’s my own self imposed rule and so I must for whatever reason, rebel against it occasionally too. Good grief! What is wrong with me?

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Look Back & Move Forward ~

At the end of each year I take time to look back and then move forward. There are always lessons learned, dots to connect and thoughts to purge. I savour moments with friends who have been in my life for a long time. (happy sigh) I think of those I’ve just met and how each person who crossed my path helped me become a better person. I love connecting the dots to see the growth of the year behind me. I sit for a while and daydream of how my life will change in the coming year trying very hard not to paint a picture prematurely. In doing so you are planting the seed of expectation.

I acknowledge what I need to change about myself. No need to jump in here, I’ve got this one…off the top of my head I can be a little stubborn at times. (nod your head all you want, I can’t see you! lol ) In order to change you must first be aware…correct? I’m not sure if I want to change too much at this stage of my life. I’d be willing to compromise. And to finish my thought process I set a few goals for the coming year.

Last year was full of lessons, more than usual for me. I learned a lot about myself and came to the conclusion that I still have a lot of work to do! I don’t just talk the talk I do walk the walk…most of the time. It would be helpful if I took my own advice, but what fun would there be in that! I am finally willing to admit that although I am strong and independent, there is a vulnerable side of me that sometimes wants to be taken care of.

A few time this year I felt like I was starting from scratch and couldn’t remember how the story went. I don’t always feel sure of where I am heading or whose coming along for the ride. I know one thing for sure ~ life has absolutely NO guarantees so follow your heart and trust your instincts.

Choices made last year have given me a push forward which is kind of scary. I am officially out of my winter slumber or comfort zone, feeling somedays like I’m standing naked on the corner of a busy intersection…and not getting paid for it! It feels liberating, exhilarating even, and then it scares the crap out of me! I’ve sprayed Rescue Remedy under my tongue on a few occasions! FYI it works!

I usually choose to share what’s on my mind, being the open book I have become accustom to. I wonder at times if I should just zip it and keep things to myself more. Up and down, up and down I go on this ride called life. When you really start to live you feel all the erratic emotions life has to offer, it can be daunting and exhilarating all at the same time leaving you feeling vulnerable, open. I am open and it feels good. Once you are open the only thing left to do is trust. Trust in who you are, where you are going and who may join you along the way.

Life is full of wonder. When I start to think about the details too much I meditate. I try to let it go, not always an easy task for me. A run with some good tunes usually helps! I’m a thinker, a worrier and sometimes over analyze so I’m ready…for what I am not sure but I’m ready. I have learned to grab life with both hands and enjoy the rush of excitement while it lasts. It’s ever changing. Life is not a race, it’s a journey.

Everything comes to an end eventually just as this last year did, but here we are in a new chapter in this so called life we live. Life is worth every beautiful moment. Take a deep breath, and think of what you are grateful for and what you wish to achieve in your year ahead.

Svaha ~

 

 

 

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