It’s Just a Number…Right?

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I embraced yet another Valentine Birthday with every once of my being…sort of! I will admit right now that I have revised this post since it was originally written three years ago…okay 4. I’m laughing as I do. Don’t ask! ¬†ūüėČ

The Big 40-ish…again. “lier” blurts my inner voice!

I have never lied about my age…I’m starting now, don’t judge. Funny with age you don’t feel the need to justify your decisions. I mean really, it is just a number so lets leave it at that! (giggle)

I am not defined by my age so the number doesn’t bother me. Then why not say it out-loud?”¬†questions my deep inner voice. “Get lost, I have my reasons!” I snap back. I didn’t think it would come to this and I am aware of the slippery slope I cautiously approach. I will delete deny any comments if you feel the need to mention any numbers above lets say 42. (think of it as a birthday present to me) Just give me this one! I’ll come around soon I promise!

I like to reflect on my Birthday just as I do each New Year’s Day. I look back and see if the seeds I planted the year before have grown and I decide what I want to plant for the coming year. Milestone Birthdays (not that this is one *cough*) allow us to reflect and follow that reflection to where we are now. It doesn’t get much better than now!

I remember feeling different when my odometer rolled over from the last time I turned 40-ish. “Phft” adds my inner voice! The next day it seemed especially easy to say the word no. Along with the word no came no need to explain why. I felt relaxed with just being around me. I didn’t need outside stimulus to engage me. The voices in my head were engaging enough! “Stop talking I’m trying to write!!!!”¬†

When I turned 40-ish¬†last time, I finally allowed myself to be comfortable in my own sensual glowing skin, more so than in my 20’s or 30’s! I am confident enough to drop my dress in a busy intersection at noon in the winter (bad lighting) if need be…you know for charity or something like that. (I haven’t…so far!) I did however wear a moustache for the day for Movember) I know, not quite the same but a step in the liberating direction!

‘This age’¬†for me is about being comfortable in mind and spirit, I think I have the body loving attitude down to a fine art. I have decided to keep a little more to myself. ( cough *bullshit*) I mean that in a positive way, I am not being cynical. Okay I am trying! I like you are a work in progress! Keep in mind I am an¬†Aquarian…well see if I can last a week! I will set more goals that will take discipline and courage to achieve. I want to stretch the boundaries of my mind that will allow me to reach higher than I thought was possible in my younger years. Funny thing about aging, we become less fearful and more willing to take chances, especially with our hearts! Life is short, and then you die! Lets face it, risk can be exciting! To quote my friend Ryan “What could go wrong?” Live in the moment with no regret.

I have experienced¬†many-many¬†glorious years and look forward to many-many more! I have had a very blessed life so far filled with unforgettable memories of family and friends that will last my lifetime. I continue to learn more about who I am and what I am capable of through life experience. Some good, some not so good, I choose to focus on the good. I have come to the realization that I am a very resilient woman if nothing else! I have grown so much over the years and even in times that my heart aches I have finally mastered…or bachelor’d at least the ability to keep thinking positive thoughts in times that don’t feel very positive.

I feel a sense of calm wash over me as I age and it just feels gooooood! I know who I am and I am not afraid to express it to those who are standing close to me, or far away for that matter. I have become not only comfortable in my own skin but comfortable with who I am intellectually. What I want and don’t want seems so much clearer than ever before.

rose coloured glassesI have learned to have complete acceptance in my life. I walk the walk not just talk the talk. I welcome you into my life unconditionally for how ever long you choose to stay, a day a week a year or hours for that matter, it’s really up to you. I can only be who I am, true to myself, if you fit great, if not it was nice crossing paths and I wish you love on your journey. I have learned to surrender to this. All I ask is that you be as kind to my spirit as I will be to yours! Life is meant to be shared, lived, experienced and lessons are learned along the way.

I still look through my rose coloured glasses from the clouds but I enjoy that view and won’t give that up at any age. I am a dreamer, a romantic and will be until the day I leave this world.

Here’s to aging gracefully, being ((((((((((50-ish))))))))))¬†and proud of it!

 (((((((smile)))))))

 

Tracy signiture

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Look Back & Move Forward ~

At the end of each year I take time to look back and then move forward. There are always lessons learned, dots to connect and thoughts to purge. I savour moments with friends who have been in my life for a long time.¬†(happy sigh)¬†I think of those I’ve just met and how each person who crossed my path helped me become a better person. I love connecting the dots to see the growth of the year behind me. I sit for a while and daydream of how my life will change in the coming year trying very hard not to paint a picture prematurely. In doing so you are planting the seed of expectation.

I acknowledge what I need to change about myself. No need to jump in here, I’ve got this one…off the top of my head I can be a little stubborn at times. (nod your head all you want, I can’t see you! lol ) In order to change you must first be aware…correct? I’m not sure if I want to change too much at this stage of my life. I’d be willing to compromise. And to finish my thought process I set a few goals for the coming year.

Last year was full of lessons, more than usual for me. I learned a lot about myself and came to the conclusion that I still have a lot of work to do! I don’t just talk the talk I do walk the walk…most of the time. It would be helpful if I took my own advice, but what fun would there be in that! I am finally willing to admit that although I am strong and independent, there is a vulnerable side of me that sometimes wants to be taken care of.

A few time this year I felt like I was starting from scratch and couldn’t remember how the story went. I don’t always feel sure of where I am heading or whose coming along for the ride. I know one thing for sure ~ life has absolutely NO guarantees so follow your heart and trust your instincts.

Choices made last year have given me a push forward which is kind of scary. I am officially out of my winter slumber or comfort zone, feeling somedays like I’m standing naked on the corner of a busy intersection…and not getting paid for it! It feels liberating, exhilarating even, and then it scares the crap out of me! I’ve sprayed Rescue Remedy under my tongue on a few occasions! FYI it works!

I usually choose to share what’s on my mind, being the open book I have become accustom to.¬†I wonder at times if I should just zip it and keep things to myself more.¬†Up and down, up and down I go on this ride called life. When you really start to live you feel all the erratic emotions life has to offer, it can be daunting and exhilarating all at the same time leaving you feeling vulnerable, open. I am open and it feels good. Once you are open the only thing left to do is trust. Trust in who you are, where you are going and who may join you along the way.

Life is full of wonder. When I start to think about the details too much I meditate. I try to let it go, not always an easy task for me. A run with some good tunes usually helps! I’m a thinker, a worrier and sometimes over analyze so I’m ready…for what I am not sure but I’m ready. I have learned to grab life with both hands and enjoy the rush of excitement while it lasts. It’s ever changing. Life is not a race, it’s a journey.

Everything comes to an end eventually just as this last year did, but here we are in a new chapter in this so called life we live. Life is worth every beautiful moment. Take a deep breath, and think of what you are grateful for and what you wish to achieve in your year ahead.

Svaha ~

 

 

 

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