Finding Lyrical Beauty in…Mating?

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TracyI mean Dating…

It’s not me it’s them! ((((smile & giggle)))) o-k-a-y once it was me, maybe twice, three times tops! Dating after being attached for years is like learning to ride a bike again, except it’s a unicycle, with no seat, in the dark, on gravel, naked, in-front of lots of people…you know! Actually lets put the seat back on since we’re naked and make it a bright sunny day to imply hope. I am being sarcastic not cynical. I can honestly find humour in everything, especially my own life. The majority of the time I don’t really care but there is a part of me that still sits in the clouds daydreaming about what it would be like to be with someone who balances me in an older wiser sort of way! 😉

There are those friends or colleagues that ask each week for a ‘story’ or sorts but now it’s getting ridiculous. Even I am getting tired of my stories and I love story time! In all honesty they usually end in a thunk! I seem to be a magnet for young men. My girlfriends and I have giggled on more than one occasion saying“too young for what?” I suppose it depend on what you are looking for. Don’t get me wrong dating a younger man has its advantages. At least going in you know it’s not going to amount to anything so there is no expectations or heart ache! Younger men don’t fear the unknown as much as older wiser male energy, and rightfully so. Life experience hasn’t shown them the darker side of lust or love yet. They have their whole lives ahead of them to find what they are looking for. My advice, take your time and never settle for someone who won’t allow you to be you! It’s exciting really! Give them a couple broken hearts and they will tread a little lighter when it comes to opening themselves to the female energy.

Younger men have a lightness about them and yes they are ‘fun’ if that’s what you are looking for…‘fun.’ Being asked out by 6’6 tattooed hottie who looks 34 but ends up being (((((21))))) flatters the ego (if he was 34) but I got rid of that many moons ago. Yup 21…I know! I just got the shivers too! Age is NOT just a number in some cases! Maybe he could have a play-date with my 15 year old, shoot some hoops and have a juice box of Kool Aid and a Tuna Sammy on a Blanky on the front lawn. He made Truck-Boy seem old! Sigh…ahhhh, Truck-Boy 😉 Some of my friends are still envious of me being able to lock the door behind me and have space to myself, but in reality that doesn’t happen very often. The grass is NOT greener on the other side people! Don’t just water your grass fertilize it!

Being on your own comes with some social stigmas that we don’t put on ourselves but society silently places them upon us when we aren’t looking. Some days I feel like yelling “There is nothing MAJOR wrong with me!…really!” And other days I think…there must be something major wrong with me! I can be deep and ask a lot of questions because communication is important to me. I am passionate and jump in and I have been scared and jumped back out. <~~~~~ feelings can be scary! Navigating the mine fields of the dating world can be difficult when you factor in all the elements of being older. Kids, schedules, exes, baggage, insecurities all come into play at some point. If you’re not ready to take all these on, it seems like a massive effort has to be put in and if you’re both not willing to, you’re hooped! Move on and save yourself the heart ache.

I like a challenge but that definition has changed over the years. When you’re younger, the challenge is more on a physical level than intellectual or emotional. The thrill of the chase is lead by raging hormones. Flash forward ~ hormone levels still surge but have been mixed with wisdom and maturity, changing the definition somewhat. Attraction is more mutual and want to be challenged on a more intellectual level through communication and spirituality not just physically.

I think of dating like this…Imagine standing at the bottom of the Grouse Grind. You don’t want to start the climb knowing you’re going to bail half way because it’s just as much effort to get your sorry ass back down as it is to go to the top. You also don’t want to start the climb with someone who is clearly holding themselves back to your pace or you to theirs. It should be a journey embarked on together reaching the top at least in view of one another if not side by side. Relationships challenge us in different ways as we age. It takes effort and sometimes perseverance to get to where you want to be. You just can’t judge the other person for where they are in life. Timing is everything and you can’t force love.

I am looking for different qualities and have relaxed somewhat to what I need and want. I have more life experience to draw upon which isn’t always a good thing. Being comfortable on my own has become the new norm. I can visualize where I want to be, having passion, laughter and love swirling around me and my family but as time goes by I question whether or not it is an achievable reality. I am still working on finding my patience. Oh look there it is…oops dropped it!

Life has a way of showing us contrasts. We learn from each experience what we want and don’t want in our lives. We make choices that move us forward and learn from the ones that allow us to sit still for a time. I have found lyrical beauty in mating dating at times and learned a great deal about myself along the way. Ebb and flow.

Open your heart and stay true to who you are and you will Find Your Lyrical Beauty in Your Everyday Happenings… (((((smile))))

Now if I could just find the guy in the picture above…life would be a fairy-tale come true! 
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Challenge Yourself ~

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TracyNo matter what challenges appear before me, I will survive. Whether the challenge is career based, facing rejection in matters of the heart, or financial reconstruction, life goes on. Life is about connections, forming relationships whether in business or personal areas of your life.

I recently started a new job where my co-workers have blown me away with how much support and patience they give me each day. I entered into this position a little out of my element having never worked in this particular field before. I am a creative, and didn’t see the bridge between creatives and the financial world before. When you get support from your colleagues you can’t help but step up and face the challenge with a positive outlook. Just as in matters of the heart, support from friends and family always helps in making decisions, whether we want to take a chance on love or walk away! Support!

I have the strength and determination to follow this journey called life to find out what it’s all about. I love the challenge and have a great supportive network waiting in the wings to help when needed. I don’t often ask for help but when you enter a completely different career, let me tell you the questions are endless! I wonder if by chance the Universe chose this path to teach and prepare me for the next chapter in my life. In the past I associated asking for help with weakness, I see now it has nothing to do with being weak. I am not weak, I am simply returning to be a student in life once again. The dots are starting to connect!

“I’m still learning” ~ Michelangelo at age 87.

I take chances. I love change. Risk is not a scary word…most days, but I am human and feel the effects now and then. I am not afraid to start over. I have faith that the life I am leading has a greater purpose than my career path, or whether I own my home, or find a man worthy of my love.

It matters not to me if everything I have is taken away, what I need to survive is safe deep inside or just a phone call away. I am grateful to be here spending my time with inspiring human beings. Inspiration is all around us!

I always wondered why I entered into the film business in my early twenties, it was not a passion of mine nor was I interested in seeking fame or fortune. I fell in love with stories. I took part in making them happen for many years until I had my two amazing kids, and then nothing else mattered but being with them. My own story became more important than make belief. Reality is always thought of as a dream crushing expression. Reality is amazing if you take a moment to be in it. No matter what you do, make your reality redefine your dreams. Enjoy each moment you have, life is short. Savour the relationships you have and don’t be afraid to build more! Build, nurture and expand your circle!

What I have learned over the last month is that although I entered a new path in life that I would have bet against in my younger years, you don’t really know where you fit in until you try it on for size. You may be surprised at what you find out! So I say walk down the path on which you stand, step out of your comfort zone now and then and see how vast and endless your horizons become! There are no limits to where you can go and who you can bring with you!

Svaha!

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Morning Interlude…

IMG_0096_3_2My mind wakes to the smell of fresh brewed coffee. I slowly inhale the aroma that fills the air. A light breeze gently kisses my exposed cheek good-morning as I stretch my leg across the bed to find you. You are gone long enough for your body heat to leave the sheets cool to touch. The warmth of the sun on the flowers outside the window infuse yet another scent in the air. Mock Orange wafts across my body, only covered by a light sheet that has fallen to the curve of my waist. My shoulders feel cool and fresh not having your arms wrapped around them. I feel your energy in the room. You gazes upon me as I lay still enveloped by the thoughts of last night. Our thoughts pass back and forth to one another connecting on a spiritual level, intertwine like a story spoken aloud. I hear you. I feel you sifting through each one, trying as I do to focus but there are too many that jump in front of the other. You slip gently out the door knowing I need more time to play our encounter over again before I wake.

Our intimate early morning embrace that lead to yet another passionate moment shared between us keeps me from opening my eyes…I enjoy equally my fantasy of what you have done to me from the moment we met, to the reality of our first encounter, to this moment. You have never left me, even for a second.

My first conscious thought of the night sends me back into full-blown passion that exploded between the sheet. My body reacts. The crisp cotton fabric slowly releases the infused energy captured between us, sending visual pictures frame by frame like an old movie playing on the inside of my eye lids.

The warm sun casts a light flash on my face as I feel your energy once again enter the room in your physical form. The air is pulled from the window across my hair tickling my face as you open the door. All of my senses are enhanced by not seeing you. I feel you, I hear your heart beat bouncing off the walls crashing into mine. I smell your masculine pheromones fill the air knowing what is on your mind.

A Morning Interlude ~ to be continued…

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The Dream

what if this reality is a dreamBonniebygate

I once had a dream that changed the way I thought about death from that point on.

In my dream I was walking down a street with my friend, Tracy. We were shopping, looking through store windows and talking and laughing; having a great afternoon.

Across the road from us, I noticed a couple of young men rushing out of a store. My instincts told me that they had just robbed it. I rushed across to their side of the street and yelled, “Hey! What are you doing?” One of them bolted, but the other turned, raised his arms straight out towards me, both hands together holding his gun and pointed it at my head. Time slowed down then and as I turned to run I heard a loud crack before I fell. I lay motionless and confused on the sidewalk.

Was I really just dreaming? This felt too real. I was acutely aware of the gritty cool sidewalk pressing against my cheek. I watched, now fascinated by, the slow slinking away of my own blood, searching for the least resistant paths in which to leave me by.

Blood? This should really hurt, I thought. Why doesn’t this hurt? My perspective changed then and instead of watching my blood I was looking at my open eyes staring ahead, then at the awkward position that my body lay across the sidewalk. I could see all of myself at once.

Instead of being terrified, an overwhelming feeling of calm and love rushed through me and I felt completely safe. I was looking at the whole scene on the sidewalk from above my body and instead of feeling frightened, I felt completely at peace. There was no pain. I only felt love.

I floated gently, effortless and calm. Happy. Really happy…until I felt a sudden sharp tug. Something pulled at my heart. What was pulling at me, and what was that noise? I couldn’t make it out at first but slowly, as it grew louder, I realized it was someone screaming. Tracy. She was hysterical and terrified crouched beside my body. She didn’t understand. She thought that empty body was me. I had to let her know it wasn’t. I was right beside her, telling her I was fine, really! I was pleading with her not to be upset or afraid but I couldn’t get through to her; I couldn’t make her see the truth. I felt a pang of sadness for the pain that she was feeling and I didn’t want to leave her like that, without her knowing the truth. That everything was perfect. Everything was as it should be.

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Then I woke up. I had to sit up and look around at my familiar room for a while to get my bearings. My dream felt so real and my waking up felt more like a dream. This was profound. It may have only been a dream but to me, there was real truth in it. It was as if I had been given a sacred gift; as if I’d had a real out of body experience without having to actually die to get it.

I still felt desperate to tell Tracy that everything was ok. So as soon as I could, I told her my dream in detail. Excited, I told her not to worry about death and that when I die I’ll be just fine and that her being upset will only tug at me and work to weigh me down and keep me from being completely free. Heavy, spiritual stuff right? So what was my dear friend’s reaction to this thought provoking, mind blowing dream of mine? Well…

She listened carefully as I recounted my dream then said, “Why did you cross the street and confront the guy? That was so stupid! And just so you know, I am never going shopping with you. Anywhere. Ever again.”

Well, that’s one way to look at it I suppose. 🙂 Just a dream right?

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Look Back & Move Forward ~

At the end of each year I take time to look back and then move forward. There are always lessons learned, dots to connect and thoughts to purge. I savour moments with friends who have been in my life for a long time. (happy sigh) I think of those I’ve just met and how each person who crossed my path helped me become a better person. I love connecting the dots to see the growth of the year behind me. I sit for a while and daydream of how my life will change in the coming year trying very hard not to paint a picture prematurely. In doing so you are planting the seed of expectation.

I acknowledge what I need to change about myself. No need to jump in here, I’ve got this one…off the top of my head I can be a little stubborn at times. (nod your head all you want, I can’t see you! lol ) In order to change you must first be aware…correct? I’m not sure if I want to change too much at this stage of my life. I’d be willing to compromise. And to finish my thought process I set a few goals for the coming year.

Last year was full of lessons, more than usual for me. I learned a lot about myself and came to the conclusion that I still have a lot of work to do! I don’t just talk the talk I do walk the walk…most of the time. It would be helpful if I took my own advice, but what fun would there be in that! I am finally willing to admit that although I am strong and independent, there is a vulnerable side of me that sometimes wants to be taken care of.

A few time this year I felt like I was starting from scratch and couldn’t remember how the story went. I don’t always feel sure of where I am heading or whose coming along for the ride. I know one thing for sure ~ life has absolutely NO guarantees so follow your heart and trust your instincts.

Choices made last year have given me a push forward which is kind of scary. I am officially out of my winter slumber or comfort zone, feeling somedays like I’m standing naked on the corner of a busy intersection…and not getting paid for it! It feels liberating, exhilarating even, and then it scares the crap out of me! I’ve sprayed Rescue Remedy under my tongue on a few occasions! FYI it works!

I usually choose to share what’s on my mind, being the open book I have become accustom to. I wonder at times if I should just zip it and keep things to myself more. Up and down, up and down I go on this ride called life. When you really start to live you feel all the erratic emotions life has to offer, it can be daunting and exhilarating all at the same time leaving you feeling vulnerable, open. I am open and it feels good. Once you are open the only thing left to do is trust. Trust in who you are, where you are going and who may join you along the way.

Life is full of wonder. When I start to think about the details too much I meditate. I try to let it go, not always an easy task for me. A run with some good tunes usually helps! I’m a thinker, a worrier and sometimes over analyze so I’m ready…for what I am not sure but I’m ready. I have learned to grab life with both hands and enjoy the rush of excitement while it lasts. It’s ever changing. Life is not a race, it’s a journey.

Everything comes to an end eventually just as this last year did, but here we are in a new chapter in this so called life we live. Life is worth every beautiful moment. Take a deep breath, and think of what you are grateful for and what you wish to achieve in your year ahead.

Svaha ~

 

 

 

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Unresolved Romance…

Is it me or has EVERYONE had an unresolved romance at some point in their lives? I’ve had a couple. One was a marathon that lasted years and the other was over before it started that left me wondering what happened.

These romances can be viewed two different ways; one with my hopeless romantic mind that sweeps me away to my happy place in the clouds, and the other, reality based that comes crashing down right in-front of me missing my head by centimetres screamingHE’S FROM URANUS NOT FROM MARS LET IT GO!” Okay not ALL men are from Uranus but I’ve personally met a few to back that statement up. My problem, I still want to believe in romance and love. Reality can bite me!

Now that I’ve matured (HA), sorted out my unresolved romances, gained wisdom (Double HA), don’t believe everything I hear even if it’s a really great compliment (depends on the compliment), I can jump in with both feet with no fear of someone coming back to haunt me. I’ve learned to take everything slower. (Okay that’s such a load of crap I can’t believe I actually wrote that!)

When you meet someone who knocks you off your feet its hard to ignore. If you meet someone who knocks you off your feet and you have an unresolved romance, you’re not seeing the whole picture clearly. If you can’t jump in without looking back, you have an unresolved romance on your hands.

What I do know from my own experience is that if you don’t resolve a romance before you dip your toe into another one…it gets messy. Unresolved romance can hover over you like a black cloud if you don’t sort it out.

It’s important to start fresh and don’t bring old romances into new ones. Tidy up your house, tie up loose ends so you can jump in with both feet and NOT look back.

Live in the moment, ignore your ego, no regret, take chances, trust, open your heart and have no expectations. When you do resolve romance, it allows you to move forward to explore the possibilities standing right in front of you. You simply can’t have a plan when it comes to romance, but you need to enter into it feeling free and good to go!

 

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