Past Lives…

As my conscious mind relaxed, I felt myself gently stepping down a spiral staircase. A soft feminine voice in the background lead me slowly to the bottom. I thoughts drifted back in time where I felt most comfortable. I belonged there in my heart. Her calm soft voice coaxed me to look down at what I was wearing on my feet. I was to tell my story using every one of my senses.

I looked down and saw my worm leather laced boots peaking out from the yards of fabric that gently rubbed back and forth with each step I took. It was a long dusty walk up the dry dirt road. I was watching from just slightly above myself, like an out of body experience. It was me who took each step towards the little house on the hill. It felt like deja-vu. I was relying on all of my sense to tell the story I was seeing transpire before my eyes.

It was a peaceful afternoon with a warm gentle breeze floating scents of spring through the air. Birds chirped in the distance whist nesting in the most beautiful tree I had ever seen. The little house on the hill felt like home.

I saw him for the first time with grateful eyes. I watched from above, yet I felt what she was feeling. I was attached to the feelings they had between them from a slight distance. I yearned to be in her body in that moment walking toward him with the rush of anticipation I felt. I was overwhelmed with joy. I felt as though I was floating through a dream, fluid and beautiful.

He was working hard in the field just behind the house. I knew he had been mine in another time which made me smile. He must have sensed me walking toward him. He stopped what he was doing and watched me come closer. I felt a surge of love envelope my entire being when our eyes met. He wiped the sweat from his brow as he leaned on the tool he had been using. The way he looked at me felt like he hadn’t seen me in years but I knew it had only been hours. He stood starring until I smiled, and then he laughed. At that moment my soul radiated the love I felt for this man. Love I had never felt before. It was from a time long before I was a glint in my fathers eyes. A life time ago…a past life time ago.

There was white cotton fabric blowing gently in the breeze through the open windows. I walked through the door not taking my eyes off of him as I navigated seamlessly to the open window at the back of the house. I was so drawn to him. It was a powerful connection. He was still staring, waiting to see if I was going to approach him. The magnetic attraction pulled me toward him. I felt like a ghost walking toward a free spirit…

I was interrupted by her soft calm voice. I wanted to stay in that moment forever. I tried fighting it but had dream-like strength. When her voice entered my subconscious, he disappeared. I was calmly persuaded to step forward in time to the next significant moment. I was in the midst of childbirth, my son was being born without his father standing at my side. I felt pain and sadness mixed with joy and elation of having a child. I knew my story was not going to end the way I’d hoped.

Her empathetic voice whisked me to another moment in time…

My body felt numb. I longed for him to return. The thought of him walking up the same dry dirt road I had, it seemed just moments before, had become a mirage. Our son was playing in the shade of the big tree on the hill. He looked about 6 years old, the spitting image of his father. A reminder of who was missing each time our eyes met. He had yet to meet the man he heard stories of each and every day. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he too longed to look into his fathers eyes just once.

I heard a rumble in the distance making its way to our little house on the hill. A familiar sound that once brought letters of his undying love. Wrapped in hope I held my breath, pleading silently for his return. I glanced over at our son innocently watching my expression as the rumble gently passed us by in a cloud of dust.

to be continued…

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The Dream

what if this reality is a dreamBonniebygate

I once had a dream that changed the way I thought about death from that point on.

In my dream I was walking down a street with my friend, Tracy. We were shopping, looking through store windows and talking and laughing; having a great afternoon.

Across the road from us, I noticed a couple of young men rushing out of a store. My instincts told me that they had just robbed it. I rushed across to their side of the street and yelled, “Hey! What are you doing?” One of them bolted, but the other turned, raised his arms straight out towards me, both hands together holding his gun and pointed it at my head. Time slowed down then and as I turned to run I heard a loud crack before I fell. I lay motionless and confused on the sidewalk.

Was I really just dreaming? This felt too real. I was acutely aware of the gritty cool sidewalk pressing against my cheek. I watched, now fascinated by, the slow slinking away of my own blood, searching for the least resistant paths in which to leave me by.

Blood? This should really hurt, I thought. Why doesn’t this hurt? My perspective changed then and instead of watching my blood I was looking at my open eyes staring ahead, then at the awkward position that my body lay across the sidewalk. I could see all of myself at once.

Instead of being terrified, an overwhelming feeling of calm and love rushed through me and I felt completely safe. I was looking at the whole scene on the sidewalk from above my body and instead of feeling frightened, I felt completely at peace. There was no pain. I only felt love.

I floated gently, effortless and calm. Happy. Really happy…until I felt a sudden sharp tug. Something pulled at my heart. What was pulling at me, and what was that noise? I couldn’t make it out at first but slowly, as it grew louder, I realized it was someone screaming. Tracy. She was hysterical and terrified crouched beside my body. She didn’t understand. She thought that empty body was me. I had to let her know it wasn’t. I was right beside her, telling her I was fine, really! I was pleading with her not to be upset or afraid but I couldn’t get through to her; I couldn’t make her see the truth. I felt a pang of sadness for the pain that she was feeling and I didn’t want to leave her like that, without her knowing the truth. That everything was perfect. Everything was as it should be.

out_of_body_experience_by_aiiro_sama-d5ftufb

Then I woke up. I had to sit up and look around at my familiar room for a while to get my bearings. My dream felt so real and my waking up felt more like a dream. This was profound. It may have only been a dream but to me, there was real truth in it. It was as if I had been given a sacred gift; as if I’d had a real out of body experience without having to actually die to get it.

I still felt desperate to tell Tracy that everything was ok. So as soon as I could, I told her my dream in detail. Excited, I told her not to worry about death and that when I die I’ll be just fine and that her being upset will only tug at me and work to weigh me down and keep me from being completely free. Heavy, spiritual stuff right? So what was my dear friend’s reaction to this thought provoking, mind blowing dream of mine? Well…

She listened carefully as I recounted my dream then said, “Why did you cross the street and confront the guy? That was so stupid! And just so you know, I am never going shopping with you. Anywhere. Ever again.”

Well, that’s one way to look at it I suppose. 🙂 Just a dream right?

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