Confessions of a Killer

“KILL IT!” I squealed.  “What is it?” he asked, cautiously approaching.

“Step on it!  Squash it with your shoe! It’s a cockroach!”

“Do they bite? Will it hurt you?” he asked while the doomed cockroach crunched under his shoe.  “Well, no” I replied “but they’re really ugly and I hate how they skitter around and they just gross me out!” A perfectly good reason to kill something, right? Not only kill something, but make someone else kill it for you.  The same scenario has been played out trillions of times with women and their husbands/boyfriends and spiders all over the world since time began.

After the dead cockroach was removed from my sight and put in a garbage bag far, far from my personal space, I relaxed and went back to my lounge chair and cup of tea.  I noticed a small ant had fallen into my tea.  I stuck my pinkie in the tea and let the ant climb aboard. Then I graciously allowed the ant to climb off my finger and resume his life on the ground. “Aw, I thought, “there you go cute little ant. You almost drowned but I saved you. Enjoy the rest of your life.”

As I watched the ant I suddenly realized that it was “skittering” away too.  So why didn’t the ant’s skitter bother me like the cockroaches skitter did.  I guess it’s because the ant is so small that it appears “cute” to me.  A two inch exact replica of the same ant would have me squealing for its death too.  What’s up with that?

I hate killing things, (or making others kill things for me); even spiders and cockroaches.  After I cause something to die I always feel guilty.  After all, everything on this earth has a purpose and everything is an amazing miracle of creation.  Yes, even cockroaches.  I just don’t want them in my house, or my yard, or within a mile radius of me actually.

It’s interesting that I don’t feel the same guilt when I spray bug spray in suspected areas and then a week later see the upside down bodies with their legs curled inwards and large X’s over their eyes.  In fact, that always makes me feel satisfaction.  “Ha! Gotcha!”  Meanwhile stomping on them would have been a quicker death than poisoning them.

The same goes for mice by the way.  Mice are really cute as cartoons but not at all when the real versions are in your house.  My husband thinks the same of squirrels but I kind of get a kick out of watching them play in the oak trees.  Its game over if they come into the house though.

I love nature and all creatures but something dark comes over me when nature walks into my house.  It feels like a billion year old instinct flickers to life within me.  Survive! Kill! Kill to survive!  And that is why the cockroach had to die.  I’m sorry cockroach…it had to be.


Two Wolves

Happy Birthday Jacquie !

Happy Birthday Jacquie! We wish you a day filled with laughter and love with family and friends.  Well finally we three are all on even ground !!  Your such a beautiful woman inside and out who is filled with creative soul.  We celebrate you today being a unique, strong, artistic, confident women who is capable of surpassing any goal that is set before you.  You shine a light in areas of life we might not have ventured not having met you!  We love you BFF!  Happy Birthday Beautiful ! Tracy & Bonnie Muah Muah !!
Two Wolves.

One evening an old Cherokee Chief told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people.

He said, “My son, the battle is between two wolves inside us all.

One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority,and ego.

The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: “Which wolf wins?

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

Wolves 2



Obligations and Expectations.

TracyObligations and expectations are something everyone accumulates over time.  They can sneak up on you if you’re not careful.  They start to layer themselves on us until we start to feel like our lives are being directed by everyone but us.  Family obligations are one thing, such as celebrations and doing things for other family members because we want to, but it’s another story when acquaintances start to guilt you into doing what they think is something you should do, because they feel obligated to.  People do this when they don’t know how to say no.

With great friendships and true love there are no obligations or expectations.  Fear is full of obligations.  Fear of not fitting in.  Fear of what people will think if you say “no”.  Fear of being a minority.  Fear of not being accepted if you don’t play along with the politics.  Fear of being judged.  Fear is a horrible emotion that leads you further away from who you truly are.  Fear nothing and you will make the right decisions.  Without fear you can live your life truthfully and authentically.  The next time someone puts their obligations onto you ask yourself  ” Is this really something I want to do?” If the answer is no then chances are it is an obligation trying to be put on you.

When I first started to see this happening in my life I was unsure of how to deal with it.  I finally just said “no”.  I stood back and looked at the person who was trying,  I will repeat trying, to put their obligations on to me.  I flat out refused to accept it.  People who over book themselves are really pro at putting their obligations on others.  If their doing it, so should you.  Soon their family and life gets overtaken by what they feel expected to do until they no longer have control over their own lives.  Family dinners get cancelled, the time they used to spend for themselves is gone because of the obligations they have accepted throughout the years.  It’s a Dominos Effect.

People in general these days are busier than ever, and there isn’t enough time in the day for everything they’re obligated to do.  In my opinion we need to get back to the basics and quit accepting more things to do.  We need to have our family be our priority and spend more quality time together.  We need to stop overbooking our kids and ourselves and start living our lives for us.

I am not certain whether it was an age thing with me in being able to say “no” or that I really just have my time and my family as a priority.  I think it’s a combination of both.  If we don’t start making changes, our family time will become a scheduled event marked on our calender along with everything else.  For many this is already the norm, but it’s never too late to reevaluate if your time is well spent or balanced.  Life is too short to have it filled with obligations we didn’t feel good about to begin with.

That’s just my opinion!  Comments are always Welcome !