Deeper Connections…

audreyhepburn

Deeper connections are what I seek as I age gracefully. I feel a sense of calm in who I have become and hear my Mothers tone as I speak my truth. I never understood until recently how she managed to just be, with what seemed such little effort.

I don’t feel rushed, I don’t feel the pressure of societies time-line for a woman in her 50’s who stands on her own. I made a choice and with each choice we must walk without fear of what if…

The young who worry that if I don’t find someone soon while I still look good on the outside, makes me giggle. I want the one who has been weeded out from the masses who stands alone knowing what I know to be true. I don’t need a plethora of choices, I want only one who shines brighter than the rest in my eyes. One I find comfort in to just be, with. No fluff, no bells, no whistles, no fireworks, just basic stripped down raw love and understanding of one another.

I say this with a deep feeling of inner peace knowing that what I speak of will present itself when the time is right…or perhaps it already has. I have life experience that has been gracefully placed on my face and body which I still consider a gift each day. I have been very fortunate and am forever grateful for all I have…blessed if you will, with a life that has been exceptionally beautiful. I could die tomorrow with a ((((((smile))))) on my face knowing I have no regret. I don’t however feel my purpose here on Earth has yet been fulfilled.

Life experience, good, bad or ugly makes us who we are and allows us to grow a little bit wiser. These journeys help tell our story, a story worth hearing if you have the time or desire to listen. Life experiences are expressed in many ways, through a tone in voice, in action or attitude, in character and in will. We all have a story hidden away deep within our hearts. Human connections are the foundation we build these stories upon and release them to.

I am acceptant of those who crosses my path and whether or not they form a bond of love with me, I ultimately want each to be happy with or without me standing at their side.

When the young look into their future they see an aging face and body because they have yet to form the deeper connections that carry us into the more powerful meaning of life. They see beauty from the outside not knowing what they are capable of build along the way. It is a spiritual, intellectual connection that draws us in as we age. When you look ahead, see what matters, everything else fades.

I recently watched old home movies which brought a lot of feelings to the surface about time slipping by so quickly. It made me ask myself some very difficult questions. What I realized was the answers to those questions didn’t really matter because I am here, right now exactly where I am meant to be. The only thing that matter is now. What I choose to do right now in this moment.

I know a thing or two about being single when it doesn’t feel like the popular thing to be. When I was younger I always allowed myself the pleasure of being independent of a man. I waited painfully longer than what was socially acceptable to find the perfect partner to build a life together. What I remember most is that it just happened.

What I do know is that my heart won’t lie, it won’t lie even a little when it comes to that gnawing love that I seek. That feeling that someone has completely gotten below the surface of the sheets in a bed I don’t share often. They slip in and have no intention of leaving. Call me crazy but that is what I am looking for in this wonderful world of the ordinary. I want the man who sees below my surface and fits in to my ordinary, my calm, my love.

~ Tracy

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“Jealous Of The Angels”

66821_234091456740446_1156119800_nI posted this last year but felt the need to re share it with you as a reminder that Monday is NOT a holiday but a day to remember those who came before us, and those who give themselves today so that you and I have the freedom we sometimes take for granted.

We don’t have to allow the commercial aspect of marketing to rush us into the next holiday on the ‘list’ so quickly! Remembering those who gave their lives for our freedom should be savored. Remembering those who lost their lives regardless of the battle they fought should be remembered in our hearts forever.

Loss affects every one of us. Death will greet us all, eventually. Risking your life for the lives of others is the ultimate sacrifice. Material loss means nothing to those who survived a battle…of any kind. Loss puts life into perspective. We need to continue being the change we want to see in our world and appreciate the gift that those who came before us gave. Battles are fought but not always won, leaving a legacy behind to be remembered.

The Heroes who fought to give us our freedom are being whisked away too quickly so we can drown in the madness of gross obsession for stuff none of us need. Stuff! Where has all the meaning gone? Wants and needs have become one of the same. They are NOT the same. What we need is to get back to the basics before we can’t see through all the distractions swirling around us, calling us like a deep seeded addiction calls an addict. Consumerism…we have all taken a hit of that drug. STOP the madness!

I don’t think we take enough time to appreciate what’s truly important in life. Health, freedom, spirit, love, friendship, unity and peace. The essence behind what is lovely in life is being over powered by marketing, money and greed. We can’t allow the human spirit to be set aside for such meaningless garbage!

We are reminded often lately how precious life is. The love that is present in our hearts for those who gave their lives selflessly can’t be forgotten. Lest We Forget is a phrase to caution us against forgetting those who died in war.

We can’t take any of our possessions with us when we leave this world, but I do believe when one is awarded with a ‘medal of honour’ it transcends with whom it belongs in spirit. Honour in your own way those who left you behind. Give those you loved their very own medal of honour to take with them when they go.

Human spirit rises in tragedy. We naturally reach out to those who experience a loss, it’s human nature. Compassion is alive and well. We are surrounded by Heroes in memory and in life as are we surrounded by Angels. I like to believe our Heroes get first dibs on the Angels waiting…and our Angels are past fallen Heroes giving themselves once again.

“Jealous of the Angels”…by Jen Bostic

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Let the Wind Blow ~

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IMG_5074I have questions!

What attracts you to the opposite sex when you first meet? Initially in person, it’s a physical attraction. It may be the way a man carries himself, how he interacts with someone in a crowd or his voice heard in a line up that piques our interest. It can be the look in a mans eyes that captures our attention. There are so many unique elements that makes us look, but what makes us want to talk? Is it as simple as the desire for human contact or is it a specific connection we seek? What are you looking for? <~~~~that’s the million dollar question in my world!

Attraction online it’s much different, conversation connects us. We read the words of another and get captured by how they express themselves. We view a still photograph and start trying to visualize the person in the flesh. Is it even safe to meet someone you have no mutual social connection with? Do you even think about that or do you just jump in and hope for the best? Is it better to get to know someone via email before you stand before one another, or does that make it harder?

What makes you want to take that ominous step forward to putting yourself in the same room with someone you meet serendipitously or online?

Next step…

What is their Intention? Do you think that’s a question that should be asked when you meet someone? Or should you just go with the flow and see where the wind blows the two of you? I have done both. Honesty is always best. I don’t think men or women naturally like to expose their true intentions out of fear, fear of being rejected or judged. As humans we don’t like either, but without risk we gain nothing and don’t grow and unfold.

I never used to think about what someones intentions were but it has been on my mind more lately. Living and learning is what life is all about isn’t it? Isn’t it? Taking chances? Opening your heart? Sharing, loving, living with inner peace and harmony. <~~~~ that’s just the hippy in me talking now, Captain Careful will rear her ugly head again and set her straight! Life is meant to be shared isn’t it? Maybe it’s hormones? Maybe I’m just tired and need a good sleep? Of Course I need a good sleep…but maybe…maybe it’s just me.

Inner voice “What does your heart tell you little grass-hopper?”

Other Inner voice ~ flips inner voice #1 the bird...conversation ends, again!

I think that whenever we have inner conflict or questions we need to take the time to express them, chew on them awhile and then just let them go, let the breeze blow them back to where they came from and just be…

Today I am just being…and I am grateful for the breeze blowing because I had ALOT to carry away!

Tracy signiture

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Finding Lyrical Beauty in…Life

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IMG_0066Okay seriously? Really? Can we just move forward and be done with all the lessons in life for just a little while! I need a breather here! I am pretty sure my Karmic debt was paid in full at the age of 27! I think I’ve been mistaken for someone else who looks or acts like me from an alternate reality. Ummm HELLO I don’t live in reality, I live on my cloud where no one can reach me!

Just when I think there is a possibility of my life becoming somewhat normal, it changes! I adjust to my job and it changes. I think I have my house sold and it changes. My love life…ya, no, not gonna go there 😉 I will plead the fifth on that one forever! Throw in taxes and year ends and kids and a dog who literally jumps the fence, eats the fence or digs to China daily! Stress, ya a full plate of stress sprinkled with stress and add a dollop of stress! I’m feeling worn out and barely hanging on by a thread, and I wake up with Eczema on both eye lids! COME ON!!! I work in cosmetics for cry-in-out-loud and can’t look 100!!

I am all for learning lessons in life but I’d really like it better if they would come one at a time with a little space in between!

^ above is what I wrote pre-Wednesday May 7th.

May 7th @ 8:30 am…

The morning was beautiful. The sun was shinning and both my kids got up on time for school and we were out the door before we needed to be. <—- that rarely happens! I dropped my gorgeous daughter off to school and watched her little butt walk up the side of the school as she chatted with her girlfriend. She was smiling and happy! My son sat in the back of my jeep also smiling and happy. We chatted on our way to his school. He is such a handsome young man, his eyes melt me every time he grins at me. I dropped him off on time and put my donations in the clothing bin finally, I never seem to have that extra moment to do so.

I proceeded to drive back home going the long way while I listened to Emimen sing Cinderella Man…I had never actually listened to the words of this particular Eminem song before.

(Excerpt I heard as I drove to the stop sign)

Cinderella Man ~ Eminem…

“Yeah,
You know, technically, I’m not even really supposed to be here right now,
So fuck it, might as well make the most of it.

(Amen!)
Yeah, haha
(Amen!)
Feels good,
(Amen!)
Whooo,
(Amen!)
Guess I’m lucky,
(Amen!)
Some of us don’t get a second chance.
(Amen!)
But I ain’t blowing this one.
(Amen!)
Naw man, haha
(Amen!)
Shit I feel like I can do anything now”

The last thought that entered my mind before coming to a stop was this…

~ As I smiled to myself…”Everything always works out, I should be grateful to be here too, I am healthy, I have a precious family, a great circle of friends. I am really very lucky.”

I needed to hear those words.

And then…

I looked left and it was clear to turn right. I pulled out into my lane and just as I started to accelerate, a car was driving right at me in my lane. He had pulled out into my lane to pass a lawn mowing tractor and was committed to passing at full speed. I saw the young mans face as he swerved between my front end and the tractors front end. He barely made the pass without hitting me head on. It was all a blur and felt like it happened in slow motion. I drove a few meters forward feeling numb as I saw my girlfriend running toward me. She witnessed the whole thing looking at me with wide eyes as she realized it was me.

“you know, technically, I’m not even really supposed to be here right now, So fuck it, might as well make the most of it”

I kissed my peace sign fingers and gave thanks to both my angels for watching over me.

I am grateful for all the lessons life is trying to teach me. I am grateful to be here to have lessons to learn.

Perspective!

“Life’s blows cannot break a person whose spirit is warmed by the fire of enthusiasm.” ~Norman Vincent Peale

Tracy signiture

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I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For…

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IMG_4498First I must ask…“Did I recently lose something?” Wasn’t my virginity, that was lost longggggg ago. My kids are still here so we’re good there. <—- kinda weird I mentioned virginity and kids right after the other but what the hell, they don’t read my blog. I haven’t technically ‘lost’ something so I must now determine what exactly it is that I am looking for? That’s the million dollar question! “What am I looking for?” If I could just figure that out I’d at least know where to look…right? I can hear Bonnie right now inside my head, gently whispering“Stop looking and let ‘it’ find you” and “If you could figure out what you wanted, you would get it!” True dat! Since I was a child I’ve had a difficult time choosing between two things. Making choices and not wonder about whether or not you made the right one is the hard part for me. Second guessing yourself takes you out of the moment! I am learning to follow the path my instincts lead me down with an open mind and heart. This doesn’t always work out but at least I am moving and not standing still. You know that feeling you get when you see something and you HAVE to have it? Those are life experiences jumping up and down trying to get your attention! Grab on with both hands and don’t let go! What could go wrong?

I have finally come to realize that I am not looking for something I have lost, what is behind me is not lost but let go of, there is a difference. I am looking for something different now, something that takes time and experience to be redefined by my life, age, circumstances and there is a lot more to it now than there was before. For instance, I gave up a career when I had kids, I did not lose it, it was a choice I made. I’ve let go of things in my life by choice and it’s trusting those choices that is important to be able to move forward in life. I gained life experience and lessons along the way by following my heart. I can’t compare what I had then with what I have now, I am different, life is different. I have been given a chance to start fresh in all areas of my life, a GIFT when looked at in the right perspective!

I don’t want anything permanent in my life anymore unless I get that feeling I mentioned, of having to have something that overpowers you with passion!

I would rather be naked standing with nothing than dressed in a beige life. Balance and Perspective!

I think everyone should take time on their own when they are at the redefining stage of their life. You have to allow yourself to let go before you can move forward and focus on the beginning of what is yet to come.

What I am looking for is becoming clearer with each life experience. When I find me…I will be ready for ‘it’! Some days I am deflated by reality which brings me crashing down from the cloud I call home, and other days I am floating effortlessly from a place so high it brings a smile to my face just writing these words to describe it. Balance and Perspective!

So here I sit once again open and honest with my life, sharing who I am with you because I know somewhere, someone can relate and I want you to know that you are not alone!

“Do Not Feel Lonely the Entire Universe is Inside You” ~ Rumi

Tracy signiture

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I am Grateful ~

Christmas feels different to me this year. I am on my own and for the first time, in a very long time, I feel relaxed. It feels uncomplicated, and I like it. I have so much love in my life and for that I am grateful. I have a very colourful circle of friends and an amazing family.

I have wrapped the Jing Tinglers, Flu Floopers, Tar Tinkers, Who Hoovers, Far Ginkers, Trum Tupers, Slu Slumkers, Blum Bloopers, Who Wompers and Zu Zitter Carzays! I am ready for Santa! I am also ready to pack on a couple of pounds eating shortbread and sipping Bailey’s coffees. Felize Navidad!!

I am embracing those who have stepped into my life in an unconventional way with acceptance and love. My circle is expanding this year and that’s exciting. I am teaching my kids to be open, aware and accept what the Universe brings forth. Life challenges us with change, allowing us to grow and unfold as human beings. It’s how you deal with change that matters.

I have so much to be grateful for…

I have two incredible kids who I adore and LOVE spending time with. I am fortunate to have two amazing parents who are still in love after 60 years together. I am grateful for the unconditional friendship and bond I have with my kids Dad. My girlfriends make me feel blessed, supported and never alone! I love my man-friends who continue to make me smile and keep me somewhat grounded on my path to never say never land…and last but not least my furry friend who is the sweetest, most loveable, kind, crazy companion I could ever ask for…even when she pee’s in the basement and shreds her bed 😉

The spirit of Christmas is about giving, so please don’t forget to share what you are grateful for with those who are less fortunate this holiday season and all year round!

“Sooooo Santa I have nothing on my list this year, and it’s not because I think I am on your naughty list it’s because I have everything I need. Believing in the magic is what I will pass on to my kids this year!

My Christmas wish is pretty simple…a day filled with lots of love, ear to ear (((((smiles))))), twinkling eyes, warm long hugs, lingering kisses, spirits that soar to the moon and back, breathtaking aromas, full bodied wine that makes one giggle, a full tummy, a content heart, conversations that fill the room with chatter, happiness, joy and no dishes to clean up!” 

Take a moment to remind yourself what you are grateful for!

Svaha ~

 

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Svaha Spirit Series: Mother to Daughter…


Happy Mother’s Day Mom ~ I love you more each day! You are an amazing Mother who has taught me so much in life, I am forever grateful for having you by my side! xoxoxo

Being a Mom is forever. I love being a Mom more than anything else in life I’ve done. It is the hardest job I’ve taken on but also the most rewarding. You don’t fully understand what your Mother has given up for you until you become one yourself. The trick is balancing being a Mom with every other relationship you have in life, including the one with yourself. When we are happy with ourselves we immediately become a much better Mom! A good night sleep helps too!

Letter from a Mother to a Daughter:

“My dear girl, the day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through.

If when we talk, I repeat the same thing a thousand times, don’t interrupt to say: “You said the same thing a minute ago”… Just listen, please. Try to remember the times when you were little and I would read the same story night after night until you would fall asleep.

When I don’t want to take a bath, don’t be mad and don’t embarrass me. Remember when I had to run after you making excuses and trying to get you to take a shower when you were just a girl?

When you see how ignorant I am when it comes to new technology, give me the time to learn and don’t look at me that way…remember, honey, I patiently taught you how to do many things like eating appropriately, getting dressed, combing your hair and dealing with life’s issues every day.

The day you see I’m getting old, I ask you to please be patient, but most of all, try to understand what I’m going through.

If I occasionally lose track of what we’re talking about, give me the time to remember, and if I can’t, don’t be nervous, impatient or arrogant. Just know in your heart that the most important thing for me is to be with you.

And when my old, tired legs don’t let me move as quickly as before, give me your hand the same way that I offered mine to you when you first walked.

When those days come, don’t feel sad… just be with me, and understand me while I get to the end of my life with love. I’ll cherish and thank you for the gift of time and joy we shared.

With a big smile and the huge love I’ve always had for you, I just want to say, I love you… my darling daughter. “

Happy Mother’s Day to all the Wonderful Moms we know and love with all our hearts! 

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Plastic Bird of Love

There was just the hint of a warm breeze in the late afternoon. But who could know that? Everyone had the windows of their vehicles up to block out the noise of the traffic and fumes.  And who could notice the trees gently waving to them when they were concentrating on keeping a safe distance from the car in front of them.  The traffic was stop and go; all eyes were straight ahead and glazed over.

Sherry parked her shopping cart beside her car and dug in her purse for her keys.  She noticed the traffic building up on the highway beside the mall and realized how late it was.  She pulled half the contents out of her bag but could not find her keys.  A prickle of panic was setting in when she remembered her daughter was sucking on them.  She had given them to her when she started to fuss in the check out line.

“Sweetie, I’m gonna have to take those back now.”

The baby started to cry when she gently pulled them from her.

“It’s ok, I’ll give you something better” she tried to say soothingly but it came out sounding a little short tempered.

She was so tired.  She couldn’t remember the last time she had a full nights sleep. Her nerves were frayed.

The baby cried on while she rooted through the plastic grocery bags for something brightly coloured but soft enough for her daughter to teethe on.  The only thing she could see that might work was a package of  red and gold paper napkins.

“Look! Look what mommy has for you!”  She waved the package playfully.

Her daughters little hands reached forward and as quickly as it began, the crying stopped. She gave her mother a big gummy grin.  In that moment Sherry was overwhelmed by how much love she felt for daughter; her child.  They were alone in the world, they only had each other but suddenly she knew they were going to be just fine.  Her weariness fell away and now all she felt was love.  She was so grateful for this beautiful child.

The empty plastic grocery bag she had taken the napkins out of slipped from her hand then and lifted into the air. It floated, suspended above them, swirled for a moment and then disappeared high over the trees that lined the parking lot.  The sight of it made them both giggle.

Roger waited at the light.  He was going over the conversation in his mind.  The one he wished he’d had the guts to have.  The one that went unsaid because he was afraid he’d lose his job if he spoke up.  How could he blame me for the screw up?  I was the one that caught the mistake and brought it to everyone’s attention, and yet somehow it’s my fault? What the hell is that?  I work hard for this company but no one ever mentions that do they?  I put in more hours and have more experience than most of management combined!  I’d like to see how they’d get along without me! If I didn’t show up tomorrow all hell would break loose.  They wouldn’t know what hit them.  I should just quit and see how they crumble without me.

He sighed deeply. Oh sure. Quit?  I can barely make the payments now, especially since Carol was laid off.  I have to put our kids through college and my savings are shrinking instead of growing.  Can things get any worse? His chest felt tight and he found it hard to get any air past his already loosened collar and tie.

A wispy whiteness caught his attention then.  Something was floating above and just ahead of his SUV.  As he watched the plastic bag dance in the breeze he felt a peaceful calm wash over him.  He relaxed and smiled.  He thought about his family and how much he loved them.  He thought of all the laughter they shared together.  He felt grateful for how they supported and cared for one another and suddenly all that mattered was getting home to see them again. Before the light changed green for him he caught the eye of a woman in a car adjacent to him.  The white plastic bag rolled and dipped and then dashed high above them.  It was beautiful. He saw her look up and watched her face soften and a smile begin to form just before he rolled away.

Diane was relieved to be able to stop at the light, to just sit there without having to move or think.  Today was the first day without any sedatives in her system and so she was allowed to drive.  One of her daughters had stayed after the service to watch over her, to make sure she was able to cope.  Cope. Rhymes with dope.  And hope.  She had felt doped from all the drugs the doctor prescribed to help her sleep, but hope? Well hope was more elusive to her.  She felt relieved though to be out of the house and on her own, away from the sickly scent of too many bouquets of flowers, away from the concern and sorrow in everyone’s eyes.  And relief felt better than anything else she’d felt since he died. The day he died the world had turned heavy and grey and ugly.

Relief is a step beyond sorrow, she thought.  Could the heaviness lift a little, could the world brighten one day?  She glanced to her right then and saw…him.  She gasped.  She could actually see him.  It was him…only a younger version of him.  He was sitting in an SUV and he was looking right at her.  She couldn’t breathe.  This is impossible, she thought.  Of course it can’t really be him.  She couldn’t take her eyes off him.  His features started to focus then and slowly she realized that she was mistaken.  Of course, she chastised herself; it could not have been him.  He’s gone.  He’s gone forever!

Still, she couldn’t take her eyes off of him.  He was looking up at something.  What was he looking at?  She followed his gaze.  Then she saw it too.  It was only an empty plastic bag floating above the intersection but there was something very playful about it.  It was twirling, and then collapsing down on itself as if the life had been taken out of it.  Just when she thought it would disappear under the wheels of a vehicle and be lost forever, suddenly it was flying again.  It flew with exuberance, with joy!  It was hope.  It was her hope.  I’m going to be ok, she thought.  I’m going to find joy again one day.  I will float and dance and feel love again.  One day.

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Svaha Spirit Series ~ Louie Schwartzbert – Gratitude

A friend of mine on Facebook shared this video and I couldn’t not pass it on to you. You may have seen it but it’s worth watching over and over just for the visual alone. I love TED talks so I wasn’t at all surprised this was one. My favourite so far! Thanks for sharing it Dan!

Louie Schwartzberg is an award winning cinematographer, director and producer whose notable career spans more than three decades providing breathtaking imagery for film, television, commercials and documentaries. He is the only cinema photographer who has been literally shooting 24 hours a day, 7 days a week continuously for more than 30 years! Life is a gift.

“Open your heart to all these blessings and let them flow through you, that everyone you will meet on this day will be blessed by you, just by your eyes, by your smile, by your touch, just by your presence. Let the gratefulness overflow into blessing all around you, then it will really be a good day.”  

Puts life in perspective doesn’t it!

Svaha ~

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Remembrance Day ~ 2010

Remembrance Day is the one day a year where Canadians will pay homage to our fallen soldiers with ceremonies that remind us how lucky we truly are. Communities join together to thank those who made the ultimate sacrifice for our freedom. Veterans fought for our freedom, Soldiers are fighting to keep our freedom. Without freedom, life would be very different.

Life without War is a dream we all share. Take a moment to reflect on what you are grateful for. I am grateful for those put their lives at risk for others every single day! Thank you!

Lest We Forget ~

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Poor me, poor me

Bonnie Johnson's PostIf you find yourself saying “poor me” or if you are having trouble finding something to feel grateful for on this weekend of Thanksgiving (in Canada), then here is a little inspiration for you.

If you are able to see to read this blog, then be grateful.

If you are disabled in one way but able in another, then be grateful.  Focusing on all you do have and appreciating even the little things opens you up to feeling good.   Keep reaching for the better feeling thought by appreciating all the little things that are good in your life.

Ben Underwood (January 26th 1992 – January 19th 2009) didn’t have a long life, but boy did he live it fully while he could.  Limitations?  What limitations?  I’m grateful to have found and met (through YouTube) the amazing Ben Underwood and his remarkable mother Aquanetta.

Svaha!

Bonnie

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