Happy Halloween ~ Jib Jab!

Every 'other' girl at the party...

...and then there is me...no NOT the Paper-bag Princess...I'm the Unknown Cougar (like the Unknown Comic?) Anyone get it?

Happy Halloween! I am NOT a big fan of Halloween. It could be that I’ve had my fair share of treats over the years and when I see them in the grocery store it just makes me go Ugh! Halloween for me = zits and a tight waste band! It’s just way too easy to polish off an entire box of 100 six weeks before you actually need them. Note to self: DO NOT BUY HALLOWEEN TREATS BEFORE OCTOBER 31st @ 6PM!!! (If the store is out…consider yourself lucky!)

I don’t like the dressing up part of AT ALL! I appeased my daughter who LOVES Halloween by buying a Vampire Cape, it was either that or a sexy_______ fill in the blank. I know…false hope, I won’t wear it unless I make it funny somehow. Fat chance of that happening with such short notice. I was thinking I’d like to pull a “Modern Family” scare the crap out of the little kids in our neighborhood since I’m moving, but they’re always so damn cute I don’t think I could do it. It would be like pulling the trigger on Bambi 😉

Every Halloween memories come rushing back that remind me why I am not a fan…Pregnant Princess, Halloween’68 is the year I knew I was odd and my dreams were crushed. All the neighbors asked what I was, like it wasn’t obvious? They looked at me with question about my unusual combination, whats not to get about a Pregnant Princess? Made perfect sense to me!

It could have been Mr Milner Halloween ’71, countering our “trick or treat” with “TRICK” when we knocked at his door! Trick? Wt? Just give out the damn candy! We weren’t a circus act we just wanted a 2-cent chocolate! Two years of that and his house was nixed! We should have told him there were houses that gave out cans of pop and full size chocolate bars that didn’t make us work for it! Trick? Really? I was really shy when I was little so that put me over the edge each year! No wonder I don’t like auditions! I wonder what kids would say now if you said TRICK? I don’t think they’d even get it! They would stand in a group looking at each other confused until one of them whispered “What did she just say?” another would say under his breath “I’m not sure?” Then the smart-ass in the group would talk really loud like I was hard of hearing and say “SHE S-A-Y-S WE LOOK REALLY T-r-i-c-k…thanks Ma’am now give us the damn candy!”

It might have been ‘Mark VanOord’ Halloween’79 the year my school girl crush finally kissed me. The kiss I daydreamed about for years and when I finally got it, much to my dismay I dressed up as a clown that year…a 16 year old clown!

Maybe it was Stargate Halloween’96 when I dressed up as a crappy kick-boxer, head-gear (really attractive) chest pad (flattering) and mouth guard (nice) with bruises all over my face and every other female in the room was in full Renaissance attire, wigs and parasols.

I was always the girl who showed up in a funny costume not a sexy one. (its possible or likely I am in denial now but that’s my story and I’m stickin to it) I did however dress up last year as a ‘cougar’ and thought that was funny…kinda sexy, Bonnie said I just looked cheap! LMAO!

Be safe trick or treating tonight! I can’t resist Jib Jab! So here it is, from me to you! I apologize in advance to my kids and Bonnie’s kid for using them for my own entertainment purposes! Chances are they won’t even see it until it’s too late so what the hell!

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Were You Sexy or Silly on Halloween?

I am not a fan of Halloween, never have been really, it always felt silly dressing up. My earliest memory was when I was about 6 years old, I couldn’t decide whether to be Pregnant or a Princess so I was both, a Pregnant Princess! The neighbors didn’t seem surprised.

Since I can remember I have always gone with the silly Halloween costumes, but most women gravitate to the Sexy ones. You would think that after a few awkward experiences I would have nixed the silly and gone with sexy, but I just couldn’t seem to walk out the door in a ‘fantasy type’ ensemble.

Awkward experience #1) I had a crush on a boy all through Elementary School. When I went to a Halloween party he was there, we talked all night long, he eventually walked me to my car and kissed me! It was pure teenage bliss! I was floating on a crush cloud for hours afterwards. I couldn’t believe after all these years of crushing on him HE KISSED ME! When I arrived home I got into my PJ’s and went into the bathroom to wash my face. When I looked in the mirror I came crashing down off of my crush cloud…I WAS A CLOWN, FULL CLOWN MAKEUP smudged all over my face! I had gone all out that year, billowy outfit, clown hair, make up and nose. Tracy the Clown! I finally got to kiss my crush and I was a CLOWN! (picture is minus the nose and wig, that came off in lightening speed when I saw him from across the room!)

Each year it was the same thing, standing in the drug store looking for ideas at 6 pm the night of, and then staying home. I couldn’t even get it together with Bonnie in Hawaii where there were thousands of people all dressed up walking the streets all day and night. I wore a Duck nose and she wore a Lion nose, you don’t want to know what we walked around saying! Our Mothers would not be impressed!

Awkward experience #2) I went to a big Stargate (TV Series) Halloween party and left my costume until the last minute as usual, I was a really bad kick boxer. I wore my full sparring gear, headgear, mouth guard, GI (Gee), boxing gloves, foot and shin protector, chest pad and I applied make up that made me look bruised and beaten up. I arrived at the party and every girl there was in a rented costume from the Renaissance period or some other grand time! Each had their hair and make up done professionally and they all looked flawless. And then there was me…a beaten up boxer.

Halloween is the one night of the year you can get away with dressing like a hooker and not be judged, and I chose clowns and kick boxers? I laugh with my friend Kent about Halloween costumes women pick and how it doesn’t matter what they pick it’s the Sexy-version of… They might be a hobo but it’s a sexy hobo!

Women love being sexy and this is the night they can live out a fantasy in public and get away with it. If I did ever partake in the sexy-version of…I can’t remember it was so long ago! (that’s my standard answer to anything I wish not to recall)

Last year I went as a Female Cougar (wishful thinking) I wore my own little black dress, with a tail peeking out of the bottom, animal print nylons and ears, and fake eye lashes, which Bonnie said made me look cheap! Purrrrrrfect!

My Mom and Dad met on Halloween when they were 12 years old, so you would think me of all people would view Halloween as a romantic night. Maybe I need to rid myself of the humorous costumes and join the crowds of French Maids, Naughty School Girls and Sexy Hobos? What do you think Kent?

I had to laugh this Halloween night when my daughter changed her outfit numerous times before walking out the door, I’m not even sure what she was in the end? I know exactly how she felt! Preparation is of the utmost importance when it comes to Halloween costumes!

I hope your all enjoying your treats, don’t eat too many ladies they are 80 calories each! If I don’t stop now next years costume will be a no brainer, a Well Fed Cougar! This is what I could have been…could’a would’a should’a!

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