‘Tis the Season to… Break up?

I heard the other day that November and December are when most break up occur. The reasons why made sense to me, but what I found hard to believe was that so many people found it difficult to be honest about why. What’s wrong with honesty? Not everyone is going to be into you, and there is always going to be another person out there who is NOT tired of putting up with your crap! giggle

Did you know there is break up etiquette? I suppose if it saves someones feelings, it’s a good thing. We all know getting dumped is crappy but in the big picture wouldn’t you rather be dumped than be an option if you’re not a priority? I’ve noticed in both men and women that everyone seems to want to have a few options, whether they are married or not. (if my marriage doesn’t work out…there is always him, or if my girlfriend and I don’t work out…there’s always her) I’ve got one word for that EGO! I would rather have no options and spend some quality time with myself than waste the time of someone else for the sake of an option. Options don’t last! Priorities do! Its pretty basic isn’t it? Don’t we just want to know the truth so we can adjust our thinking and move on. The truth can be razor sharp at times but the pain ALWAYS subsides. No one is free from being dumped, it’s a learning experience that is really valuable to find out who we are. (last weeks post Who Are You? touched on that)

Some of the reasons why November and December are when the most break up occur is because, generally speaking the holidays are usually spent visiting with family. If you’re not ‘the one’, the break up is to avoid having to introduce you to the family, that you are probably not going to be a part of in the near future. It makes it more difficult later on in the relationship to dump someone who has met your family. The same reason I believe you shouldn’t introduce your kids to every Tom, Mary or Larry you go out for coffee with. If it’s meant to be, in time everyone will meet. Patience is a virtue!

Sometime we realize that we simply want to be alone and need to spend time by ourselves. Nothing wrong with that! That makes the most sense, I love being on my own but there are lots of men/women who like to be with someone, regardless whether or not they are the right someone. If it’s not working, end it, but kindly! You would be doing the other person a favour in the end! Always remember when one door closes another one opens!

The reason at the bottom of the list was that we just don’t want to spend money on someone we don’t think we are going to be with long term. Do you really want the generic-says-nothing-about-your-pending-relationship gift anyway?

I think what’s most important is the way you break up. No one likes to be lead on. If everyone would just learn to NOT lie, it would sure make things a lot simpler don’t you think? After mustering up the courage to finally end a relationship you should never ever end with…right now. Example: “I really like you but I don’t want to be in a committed relationship…right now“. It leaves the relationship dangling! If the truth is “I really like you but I don’t want to be in a committed relationship…with you” say it! At least the person being dumped won’t pine over you for months after the fact!

The etiquette to me was a no-brainer but here is the basics simplified: No text break-ups, No email break-ups, Face to Face is best, the sooner the better, be honest so the person is not wondering what they did or why…tell them why! DO NOT just ignore the person or disappear off the face of the earth, there is such a thing as BREAK UP KARMA! My personal advice to being the dumper, dress down, it just might lighten the blow :0 wink*

Basic rule: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you!

Happy Break ups Everyone, it’s not always a bad thing! 🙂

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What To Do When Your Girlfriend Dumps You~

tracy-pic3Have you ever been dumped by your Girlfriend? I think it would be worse than being dumped by your boyfriend but that’s just me. I have never been dumped by a girlfriend, that I was aware of. Girlfriend tend to drift apart depending on what’s going on in our lives, but the real ones are always there no matter how much time has passed since you saw them last. I am so lucky to have girlfriends like that!

I am fortunate that my close girlfriends are very understanding and independent, we have known one another for a long time, so we just get each other. I don’t think I have ever done anything that would be classified as dump worthy, at least nothing that is morally wrong or value based. Every women who has blood flowing through their veins has “questionable moments”, it’s our hormones and personality quirks that cause us to be a difficult friend at times. I strive to be a better friend and the girlfriends I do have make me want to be a better person.

When I first started this post I said I had never been dumped by a girlfriend, but in the time it took to publish (couple of weeks) I found out I had been dumped by a long time friend. We only kept in touch through Facebook but I was happy we at least had that. Facebook allows you to continue friendships that would otherwise be lost because of distance or our busy lives. After wishing her husband, one of the greatest guys I know, Happy Birthday on Christmas Eve, and not getting to talk to her, I logged into Facebook to reconnected again…she deleted me as her friend! I was shocked, especially after just writing this post days before. I don’t know what I did, perhaps she was just “cleaning house” with everyone she doesn’t see on a regular basis, I too have been guilty of that. Regardless of the reason, it made me feel like I had lost a part of my past, an important one to me. When someone consciously deletes you from their life, no matter whether it’s a male or female, in person or online, it doesn’t feel good.  So there you have it, I have been dumped by a girlfriend, on Christmas Eve no less, someone I felt was a part of my circle. I still love her husband though, and will continue to call him on his birthday!

Here’s what I found online~ According to Irene S Levin, PhD, author of Best friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend, the romanticized notion that best friends are forever is a myth. She says being ditched by a close girlfriend can be incredibly painful, especially when you had no idea you were going to be dumped. Here’s how Irene would navigate this difficult situation:

Put the breaks on your reaction, first off, step back and really think things through, because reacting out of anger or hurt could make the situation even worse. One of the most important things to consider is whether you actually want to salvage this friendship. “Use this as an opportunity for assessment. Are you just hurt because your once-friend dumped you or because it is truly a friendship that you valued?” says Levin.

If you want to save the friendship you’ll need to summon up the courage to talk and be the one to extend the olive branch. Until you do talk, you have no idea of what is really going on. Levin says that women often fall into the trap of assuming that they know what their friend is thinking, although that may be completely erroneous.

Be prepared to accept responsibility if you did do something wrong. “You may have disappointed your friend or betrayed her trust. Whatever the case, don’t be too stubborn to be the first to apologize or forgive. Admitting your own blame may open the door for her to assume her share of responsibility for the misunderstanding,” says Levin.
If however, your ex-friend is not interested in trying to fix what went wrong, you need to respect the boundaries they have set.  It may have less to do with you than with other things going on in her life.

So how can you get over the loss if the friendship is truly over, feeling heartbroken is a normal reaction.  Levin says that there are stages of grief that women characteristically go through after the loss of a friend: These include: shock and denial, loss, self-blame, embarrassment and shame, anger, and finally, acceptance and sometimes relief.

Grow from the experience, once the shock has worn off, look back and see what you got out of the friendship. There may be many great things that you learned from being her friend, or perhaps not.  Ending a friendship that isn’t working leaves you more time for more satisfying ones.

My girlfriends are one of the best parts of my life!

To my circle of girlfriends~ I love you !

Tracy signiture

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