I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For…

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IMG_4498First I must ask…“Did I recently lose something?” Wasn’t my virginity, that was lost longggggg ago. My kids are still here so we’re good there. <—- kinda weird I mentioned virginity and kids right after the other but what the hell, they don’t read my blog. I haven’t technically ‘lost’ something so I must now determine what exactly it is that I am looking for? That’s the million dollar question! “What am I looking for?” If I could just figure that out I’d at least know where to look…right? I can hear Bonnie right now inside my head, gently whispering“Stop looking and let ‘it’ find you” and “If you could figure out what you wanted, you would get it!” True dat! Since I was a child I’ve had a difficult time choosing between two things. Making choices and not wonder about whether or not you made the right one is the hard part for me. Second guessing yourself takes you out of the moment! I am learning to follow the path my instincts lead me down with an open mind and heart. This doesn’t always work out but at least I am moving and not standing still. You know that feeling you get when you see something and you HAVE to have it? Those are life experiences jumping up and down trying to get your attention! Grab on with both hands and don’t let go! What could go wrong?

I have finally come to realize that I am not looking for something I have lost, what is behind me is not lost but let go of, there is a difference. I am looking for something different now, something that takes time and experience to be redefined by my life, age, circumstances and there is a lot more to it now than there was before. For instance, I gave up a career when I had kids, I did not lose it, it was a choice I made. I’ve let go of things in my life by choice and it’s trusting those choices that is important to be able to move forward in life. I gained life experience and lessons along the way by following my heart. I can’t compare what I had then with what I have now, I am different, life is different. I have been given a chance to start fresh in all areas of my life, a GIFT when looked at in the right perspective!

I don’t want anything permanent in my life anymore unless I get that feeling I mentioned, of having to have something that overpowers you with passion!

I would rather be naked standing with nothing than dressed in a beige life. Balance and Perspective!

I think everyone should take time on their own when they are at the redefining stage of their life. You have to allow yourself to let go before you can move forward and focus on the beginning of what is yet to come.

What I am looking for is becoming clearer with each life experience. When I find me…I will be ready for ‘it’! Some days I am deflated by reality which brings me crashing down from the cloud I call home, and other days I am floating effortlessly from a place so high it brings a smile to my face just writing these words to describe it. Balance and Perspective!

So here I sit once again open and honest with my life, sharing who I am with you because I know somewhere, someone can relate and I want you to know that you are not alone!

“Do Not Feel Lonely the Entire Universe is Inside You” ~ Rumi

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One of My Many Aha Moments !

Tracy

I was only 14 pages in when reading Marianne Williamson’s book ‘ The Age of Miracles Embracing The New Midlife, when I had an aha moment that I think about often and wanted to share with all of you.

Marianne wrote;

ONE DAY I LOOKED AT MYSELF in the mirror and indulged in full-scale self-pity.
Oh, I remember when I was young, I thought.  My skin was tighter, my breasts were higher, my rear was firmer, my entire body was voluptuous.  I had so much more energy, and I practically glowed.  I wish I had realized what I had when I had it…and now I’ll never have it again.
Then another voice in my head intervened.
“Oh, Marianne…,” it said, “shut up!  Let me give you a rundown of what it was like when you were younger.  Your nerves were jangled, your heart was restless, your mind was disordered, your appetites were addictive, your love affairs were tragic, your talents were squandered, your opportunities were wasted, and you were never at peace.
“What you did then, in fact, was exactly what you’re doing now: You kept thinking that if only things were different, you’d be happy.  Then it was whatever man or job or resources were there to save you; now it’s if only you were still young.  Reality check:   In those days , you looked good but you didn’t know it.  You had everything but you didn’t appreciate it.  You had the world at your feet but you didn’t realize it.
“ You know what it was like?  It was just like now!”  Thus began my recovery from “youth-itis”

I think that there is no better time than the present !!  I loved this book because it puts aging into perspective. It is a gift to finally be at a point in your  life where you can concentrate on making a difference in the world WHILE being comfortable FINALLY in the skin your in.  This made me reevaluate what I think is important in life.  I decided to do what I love and everything else would follow.  I started to live in the moment and live my life authentically.  I hope you do too after reading this.

TracyThe Age of Miracles

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