Listen to blogs 
Happy Monday morning, you weekend warriors, you. I trust everyone got lots of rest and maybe a few ‘must do’ kind of things checked off their lists. I know I did and it feels soooo good. (Once we got the errands and housework done) Gavin and I went out to White Rock beach and did a little walking and browsing and stopped in at a coffee shop and just visited with each other. We definitely don’t get enough time to do that very often but I’m determined to make the time so that once he retires and I have to see him everyday I’ll still like him. And it works the other way around, too.
On Friday we got a really interesting question posed in Girlfriend Gab from Janet about how to talk to your kids about sex. (I tried to segue naturally but decided I just had to jump right in. lol) I’ve been thinking about how to respond all weekend. A quick one or two lines just wouldn’t cover it. I tried to remember how exactly I dealt with the subject of sex with my kids and whether or not I was the one who filled in all the pieces of the puzzle.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and risk getting a lot of people disagreeing with me; I don’t think it’s necessary to go into HUGE detail about how the mechanics of sex and the organs work when you’re talking to your 13 or 14 year olds. Yes, they need to know the biology and functions, etc, but so much of the rest they should be encouraged to explore and figure out on their own, when they’re mature enough, and in a healthy, respectful, caring relationship. Notice I didn’t say ‘committed’ or even ‘loving’. Sure, that would be my ideal but that’s not always the way it is these days. Every body gets turned on differently. I feel it’s more my job to help my kids understand why sex is so fantastic and how respecting future partners makes it so much more special.
For my daughter Emilie, the eldest, I believe she got the low down from Meg Hickling, a traveling child sex educator who came to the classroom when Em was in grade 6 or 7. I think I had to sign something to give permission to take part in the class. I was more than happy to do things this way; I wasn’t afraid of talking about sex with the kids. I just figured Meg, a pro, would do a more complete job. We’re talking about the actual mechanics of sex here. The other part, the emotional part, is something I talked about on a regular basis. I’d see the kids watching an episode of ‘Friends’ and a perfect opportunity would show up where we could talk about the difference between fooling around for fun or love and the emotional consequences of both. Sorry to have to pick on ‘Friends’. That show was hilarious but try watching it with young teens and you really see how cavalierly sex is portrayed on TV.
I hope this is sorta, kinda, maybe getting around to answering your question, Janet?! You wanted to know specifically about talking to boys, right? Geez, I am so not an authority on any of this, you must realize. I saw that same Oprah show you talked about and I was impressed with the way the sex talk was handled.
When Dylan was about 13 I asked him to come watch a Dr. Phil episode about the latest phenomenon ~ teen girls giving guys at school and parties (not their boyfriends) oral sex just for, well, just for fun. He sat for the whole show, we talked a bit, or rather, I talked about how any sex act can be ‘fun’ but you’re missing out on it being intensely fun and rewarding if you’re not with someone you care about in a special way. No judgments made. Just my opinion. I think it made him realize he could talk to me about anything. Not that he has!
Another point I made early on is that your sex life is a private matter. Don’t talk specifics with your friends as it’s disrespectful of the girl.
OK, that’s it for me. I’ve only had my experiences with kids and sex but I know there’re so many more ways to deal with this subject. Did I stick my head in the sand? Am I way off base? I guess you just have to let them know that no question is too weird to ask and that you’ll never judge.
Thanks for opening up the topic, Janet!
Goddess Tara
Jacquie Janzen Yee
Tracy Westerholm
Bonnie Johnson
Loading ...
We gave my son a really great book (sorry I don’t remember the name) that covered everything from the basic mechanics and biology to what all the silly slang means. My husband and I read the book together cover to cover before we gave it to him to be sure it would be appropriate. I have to admit we giggled like school kids over the silly slang – some of which was new to us!
Before we gave it to him we both individually had asked him if he was curious about anything or if he wanted to have the conversation with us. He kept blushing and kicking the ground and telling us he was pretty sure he understood everything. Ya right! When I asked him if he would be more comfortable reading about it he said that would be waaaay better. I remember going to Chapters to look for a good book that would work for his age group and was impressed by the choices I found there.
When we gave him that book we made sure he knew we were there to answer any question no matter how embarrassing because we wanted him to have the real information rather than the urban legends kids tend to tell each other at that age.
At first I wasn’t sure if he was reading it but then I began seeing it out on his desk in his room.
It was about this time that I started going on after-school walks or bike rides with him and that’s when he would open up and tell me things he heard and questions he had. Our conversations also dealt with things like drug and alcohol abuse. The main thing was keeping the conversations happening so that he knew it was safe to open up when he wanted to.
Sigh! I really miss those times now that he’s 20 and lives on the other side of the continent, but we still have some great phone conversations too. The best compliment he ever gave me was after he’d been away at university for a year and came home for a visit. He was chatting away in the car on our way home from the airport when he turned to me and said “It feels so good to be able to talk to you about this stuff”. I smiled but inside I was jumping up and down pumping my arm and screaming “YES!!”
I am just at this stage of the game right now, my son is in grade 5 and only recently had the ‘talk’ in class but was absent that day with the flu. I went to the school and signed out the video they watched in class and watched it with both my kids. I never joked like I usually do so he was comfortable asking questions and not afraid I was going to make fun of it. I thought the movie was very generic but informative for his age group but at home we are far more open than the health class. My son has always told me everything personal and talked openly with me since he was very young. I love when he and I get into these conversations because we really feel like we are bonding and I think it is all about trust and letting your kids know that you were their age once and had the same curiosities as they are having. I think being open honest and just give them the information they are looking for so they are equipped with what they need to know. I brought out my anatomy and physiology book to show them how interesting your body really is. It’s not just about sex but it is how the human body works and why. It is pretty miraculous when you really think about it and kids find that very interesting. My daughter who is 8 also knows the basics and I am always open to talk when I see the opportunity to give them more information. I remember my mom reading me a book about actual birds and bee’s and it really only just confused me more. I wasn’t ready for the information so I left the tub that night wondering what kind of story was that? And why was she telling me about birds and bee’s? Open and honest for their age group is best. They give you clues when they want to talk you just need to be tuned into them. I always try to end each conversation with stories of what I was like as a kid so they can see that I can relate to how they feel. They think it’s really funny to hear about what I did when I was their age.
Thanks for your topic. I feel fairly confident that we (my husband and I) can explain the anatomy (without laughing like children) of their bodies. I was nervous about the topic, and how much information to give, thanks for reminding me that they only need “enough”. I guess the main thing I’ve been reminded of, is to keep the conversations going. I can see how as our son gets older, that unless encouraged, the conversations may slow or stop. Also, that I have to learn to bite my tongue a bit more. I, as I know we all are, are very protective. I think I try to “teach/explain” too much. I don’t want to be their “best friends”, but I do want them to continue to come and ask. Thanks for the help. And Bonnie, you know you’ve done well when you get such a great compliment from your child. I hope one day to get the same from both my children!
I was out with my mom today and she thought I hadn’t made my point clear enough, almost to the point where it sounded like I was condoning teen sex.
So just to make it clear, my contribution to my kids sex education has always been to focus on the EMOTIONAL consequences and responsibilities that come with sexual relationships. I’ve never had ‘the talk’ formally because we talked about it whenever the topic seemed to come up naturally from the age of 6 or 7 and up. I also mentioned, but not strongly enough for dear, sweet mom, that I felt sex was for people who are MATURE enough to understand the responsibility. But that’s for individuals to decide. I’ve only raised 3 out of the 6 billion people on the planet so these are just my ideas. You just have to go with your gut and decide what your own kids need.
Your kids all 3 of them are wonderful human beings who are all making a grand difference in the world we live in so you’re doing a GREAT job! Txo
Thanks T! I think all the mothers who commented here have done the best job ever and the kids know we all care. It takes a village, doesn’t it?!