Listen to blogs 
At the present time I’m in Las Vegas enjoying a bit of the “hedonistic lifestyle” I’ve been told we “endorse on Tara Cronica”. Apparently not everyone’s a fan (or reads every post).
A short while ago it was suggested by my mother that I tackle a deeper subject like the proper care and handling of an aging parent. It was a dig, as my mother and I have a relationship much like many other women of my generation; it’s complicated. As I’m certainly not the only person out there dealing with this situation, I decided to take the challenge seriously and see if I could enlighten myself a bit about both sides of the issue and perhaps get some input from my friends.
What responsibilities do adult children have towards their parents as they move into their twilight years? My husband tells me he heard Dr. Joy Brown on the radio talking about this topic and her opinion is that adult children are only obligated to their parents to be respectful. I fully agree. This is the woman who gave you life, cleaned you, fed you and cuddled you when you were young. Got you ready for high school dances, comforted you when boyfriends disappointed, watched you get married and helped out with the babies once grandchildren came along, all the while giving loving, sage advice ~ whether requested or not. That’s a mother’s job. There are variations on the basic concept, but we all get the general idea. Limitless, unconditional love. I know I feel that way about my three kids. I also believe that adult kids owe it to their parents to help them out as much as they can with things like chauffeuring to appointments, running errands and odd jobs around the house. It may not always be convenient but, if you’ve established a mutually respectful relationship, it shouldn’t be a chore.
What do aging parents owe their adult children? Frankly, nothing. They’ve done their bit and it’s time for them to relax and enjoy the fruits of their labour. They don’t owe the kids an inheritance, babysitting, meals or even friendship. Sure, all these things I mentioned would be a nice bonus, but they aren’t obligatory. If your parents want to spend their last twenty years on safari in Kenya or playing no limit Texas Hold’em in Vegas with $10,000 buy-ins then that’s their prerogative. If Christmas and Thanksgiving dinners have become too much trouble at mom’s place then that’s fine, too. After all, she did it for enough years while you were growing up. It would be nice, but it no longer defines the relationship. There are ramifications, though. If the parent or the adult child chooses to opt out of the traditional role, they risk losing their connection to the family unless they create a new one.
Friendship isn’t obligatory. I have one girlfriend who mildly complains that she can’t nail an appointment with her 80 year old mother for tea. Her mom’s too busy running around with the ladies at the senior’s center.
No, there is one thing aging parents owe their kids and that’s to do their best to take care of themselves physically and mentally. I figure if we’re going to be jumping in the car to shuttle grandma to a doctor’s appointment every few months, the least she can do is take her prescriptions properly! It’s only fair.
As soon as you start to put checks and balances on a relationship it begins to fall apart. You do things for your kids because you love them and want to see them happy, and by doing so, you make yourself happy.
My kids don’t owe me their friendship. They do owe me respect, but if I want to continue to be an important part of their lives as they grow into adults, I have to show them I can also be a good friend; trustworthy, emotionally supportive and loving. Likewise, if they want to be on my guest list they need to show me the same thing.
And, because sometimes life feels like a bad TV show, you just gotta laugh…
*Aspects of Comedy-Dramas
~ There is often an absence of a pre-recorded laugh track.
~ Storylines tend to be more serialized, with events taking place in earlier episodes being referred back to or having an affect in later episodes. As opposed to more traditional sitcoms which focus on telling one stand alone story every week
~ Continuity of character and storylines are more relevant than in traditional sitcoms.
~ Can be either half-hour or hour long episodes. However shows which use a 30 minute format tend to be more comedic with dramatic elements that keep storylines going forward, while shows which use a 60 minute format tend to be more dramatically based with humor used throughout the show as either comic relief or to punctuate certain scenes.
~ Characters back story tends to have a greater overall affect on stories. Often something a character has done in the past will catch up with him or her.
Goddess Tara
Jacquie Janzen Yee
Tracy Westerholm
Bonnie Johnson
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Jacquie,
What a great piece. Amen.
Hey this gives me a great idea for a new Dramedy. We could call it “Mothers and Daughters” (a direct take off from Brothers and Sisters). There would be soooo much content we could be on air forever…except men probably wouldn’t watch much and most women are already living it…nah never mind.
I agree with everything you have said in this post Jacquie. The only thing I would add is that respect should be reciprocal in all cases. We come from different times, parents and children, and so we all have different perspectives. We all need to respect how different we are.
My mother just said something to me that I’ve been craving to hear from her for years. She said she realizes now how different from each other we are. Neither is better or worse, just very very different. My interests don’t interest my parents and vice versa and it’s all just fine. We don’t need to be bff’s or even relate that well as long as we have mutual respect and love for each other.
I totally agree, Bonnie.
My mother, god rest her soul, was a wonderful mom and I’m sure she thought about her children 24/7. She practically ‘waited’ on us and worried constantly when we were late or didn’t call when we said we would. Even as an adult with children of my own, my mom would call and say ‘Is this my daughter? Oh, I thought she moved away because I haven’t heard from her in a long time’.
Guilty, I’m afraid. With a family of my own and all the busy activities involved, it was easy to put it off and I probably wouldn’t or couldn’t do it any differently if I had it to do all over again. That’s life today!
The difference between then and now is that a lot of moms, including mine, didn’t work. They did the housework, prepared the meals and wanted to know every detail of your life. I don’t personally know any moms who don’t work today and after rushing home, preparing dinner, overseeing homework and getting the kids ready for bed, they learn to prioritize their questions.
I have made every possible effort not to interfere in my son’s life unless he asks for help or advice. Although I ache inside for the very same reasons my mom did, I keep them close to my heart because I don’t want him to feel the way I felt about my mom in that regard. No question, she did nag and I resented it. I felt that it drove a wedge between us but I never told her that. I wouldn’t have hurt her for the world (purposely).
Enjoy the time you have with your children but don’t be surprised when they leave home for the other side of the ocean or world and if you want to travel south for the winter, “leave the kids at the doorstep” until you return.
Marilyn
haha! did you just comment on your own piece??
The thing is…the boxes of unresolved psychological crap we all carry around with us throughout our lives start to unpack themselves all over our grown children when we reach the beginning stages of OLD. This phenomena becomes the ultimate snaffu when it come to dealing with our parents, because JUST when you thought you knew how to deal with them …you have to learn who they WERE, because they’re regressing. Remember how pleasant it was trying to get medicine into your 2 year old? well, imagine if that 2 year old had a long memory of being independent and self sufficient. imagine that 2 year old feeling like you are just the bumbling idiot who knows nothing and is just there to make life hell. welcome to aging parents! yay!
Ha ha, Anne. “Me” isn’t Jake, it’s someone different who prefers not to use her real name so just goes by “me”.
Your comment almost made my tea shoot out through my nose! Very funny and frightening at the same time.
I guess it’s about doing ‘what’s right’. I certainly hope MY children will be around to ‘help’ me out. As I get older, I find myself thinking about this more too, from my mom’s perspective (or as a Mom) I guess. My husband and I often joke with our children about taking care of us when we’re older. They are 12, and 9, and at first, the were “Yeah right!” (as in I don’t think so!). We told them we were serious. So I guess it starts young, the preparation of what’s to come. There is a balance, and like you say with regards to Drs appt. I don’t mind driving, but she better be taking her medication properly. And if I take her for groceries, it’s not 5 times a week because she “forgot” something (like she was lonely) And…I want to be appreciated for my time, as she taught me to do with her. Give and take, a balance as is life.
I often joke (sort of) with my son and tell him he will have to come over and cut my toe nails for me when I’m really old. This always evokes a horrified look from him and makes me giggle.
I used to joke about taking my Mom to the mall, spinning her around and seeing if she could find her way home…as your parents grow older it doesn’t seem as funny…well it kind of does. I also told my Mom I was going to dress her up as Crusty the Clown when she died to get one more laugh out of everyone, but again it doesn’t seem as funny…well maybe just a bit. I really can still find humor in almost everything, I should tell you the story about when my Mom just rolled right out of my Dad’s Mini Cooper all the way down the street when we did a U-turn in the culdesac now that is a funny story…Oh relax she was fine (grin) My daughter will be the one who comes over to pluck my chin hairs, I am almost positive that my son has inherited my sense of humor so I will get my Karma in that regard. I wonder what he will dress me up as!! I just hope I am dressed !
Well said Jacquie!
I love you Mom !!! I know you get my sense of haha, after all your used to it, you married Dad !! xo
Hmmn, where to start…I don’t know if I am lucky or not but I am separated in years by 19 from my mom and 20 from my daughter so I am good friends with both. It’s hard to imagine caring or being cared for at all at this point. My grandma wasn’t particularly warm to her children or grandchildren so when she had a debilitating stroke, she spent her final year or so in a home unable to speak and visited by few. This haunted me but it also made me realize that we aren’t automatically entitled to respect, love, caring or anything despite what we think. Bottom line – you reap what you sow. I hope.
OMG!!! You reap what you sow! Perfect!!
Before going to the main point of this reply, I have to add my voice to the popular opinion to say that for the most part I find the quality of Tara Cronica posts and feedback interesting, entertaining, and at times delightfully honest — whatever the cost(?) BUT NOW …..
IN VIEW OF THE FACT THAT I WAS MISQUOTED , Jacquie, I found ten of the twelve responses to date surprisingly fair — and also kinder than I would have expected under the circumstances.
Incidentally, for the record, I suggested — my too hastily offered opinion(?) — BALANCING over-played subjects that reflected ‘the good life’ (yes, I did use the word hedonistic; poor choice perhaps) with topics of a serious nature such as ‘responsibilities’. So the bottom line is, “Why, Jacquie? ” Do I hear a small voice whispering, “I did it for the show.” ? Just kidding!
Times are changing that is for sure, the Asian culture is known for taking care of their elders. I was speaking with a wonderful man who was Asian and he said it just isn’t like it used to be anymore, that was old school. I think that everywhere there is change and we need to adapt to it how we feel good about it. Do unto others…Do what you can to help the generation before you and try to understand the one after you! I will continue this topic next week after I have given it some more thought of my own. Great topic Jacquie and well written!!!