Comments on: Polyamory Relationships http://www.taracronica.com/bonnie/polyamory-relationships Girlfriends ~ Inspiration ~ Silver Jewelry Treasures Fri, 03 Feb 2012 21:40:24 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Tracy Westerholm http://www.taracronica.com/bonnie/polyamory-relationships/comment-page-1#comment-13690 Tracy Westerholm Fri, 02 Dec 2011 21:50:01 +0000 http://www.taracronica.com/?p=9213#comment-13690 Sexy Guy! Thanks for sharing your view with us! I personally think that if you can be honest with your partner and trust one another you can get through anything together. There needs not be an end. I have not experienced a relationship I felt I needed to discard to have another one. I always ended one if it didn't feel right or work, had time on my own before entering a new one. I think it's important to be alone to make sure you don't complicate your next relationship with unresolved feelings from the one before. I think you also need to always be true to self. If you are comfortable with monogamy or poly you need to make that clear from the beginning when entering into a relationship with someone. The truth allows the other to either accept what you want and make their own decision whether or not they want to continue, it gives them the power of choice. You just have to give them the real you. I don't think lack of confidence is repulsive but what it does is confuse women in wondering if they are not doing something right or if you are not interested, it sends mixed messages. Shy also translates to not interested for some women who are not used to a held back personality. I agree too if more people would continue to love someone they had an intimate connection with in the past (which doesn't mean there will be another in the future) I think the world would be a much happier place to exist! Give love is what I say! Which does not have anything what-so-ever to do with sex! T :) Sexy Guy!
Thanks for sharing your view with us!
I personally think that if you can be honest with your partner and trust one another you can get through anything together. There needs not be an end.

I have not experienced a relationship I felt I needed to discard to have another one. I always ended one if it didn’t feel right or work, had time on my own before entering a new one. I think it’s important to be alone to make sure you don’t complicate your next relationship with unresolved feelings from the one before.

I think you also need to always be true to self. If you are comfortable with monogamy or poly you need to make that clear from the beginning when entering into a relationship with someone. The truth allows the other to either accept what you want and make their own decision whether or not they want to continue, it gives them the power of choice. You just have to give them the real you.

I don’t think lack of confidence is repulsive but what it does is confuse women in wondering if they are not doing something right or if you are not interested, it sends mixed messages. Shy also translates to not interested for some women who are not used to a held back personality.
I agree too if more people would continue to love someone they had an intimate connection with in the past (which doesn’t mean there will be another in the future) I think the world would be a much happier place to exist!
Give love is what I say! Which does not have anything what-so-ever to do with sex!
T :)

]]> By: Sexy Guy http://www.taracronica.com/bonnie/polyamory-relationships/comment-page-1#comment-13688 Sexy Guy Fri, 02 Dec 2011 19:44:23 +0000 http://www.taracronica.com/?p=9213#comment-13688 I believe a lot of support for "monogamy", is just because of social control. This paper talks a lot about the monogamy/cheating dualism, where the mainstream people who subscribe to this dualism will refuse to even consider or will attempt to ideologically suppress the alternatives of multiple partners/consensual flings/polyamory. http://www.pepperminty.com/writing/cheating.pdf The bottom line is having FWB or serial flings or "serial polygamy" (many partners) or adultery is often more accepted in our culture, because it wants to control how people experience love. Because of this control I believe this is also why so many relationships end in pain since one must discard one person and move to the next. I feel monogamy is actually unnatural, since about 50% of hunter-gatherer tribes had poly relationships of various types. When there is a lot of pain for a dumpee due to "breakup" and another person feels guilty and sad for having to have hurt the dumpee, this is because of the high cost that monogamy is taking on people. It's hard for me to imagine, that if a woman has 10, 20, or more sexual partners, or I have the same as a guy, that it's really best to discard all those intimacy/sexual/emotional connections and go through life alone. I know I had a lot of trouble dating and for 5 years didn't get a girlfriend, except for 1 fling and some casual encounters, because I wasn't being forward enough as a guy -- but now it is no problem because I got help from some guys who are good at dating. But if I were in a monogamous relationship it is very unlikely I would have been able to practice and improve at dating skills since that is "off limits" and I would be less confident and have a great fear of abandonment (because who knows how long it would be, 1, 2, 3 years until I had sex or intimacy again) -- lack of confidence is extremely repulsive to women and causes relationships to break down. In a poly or open relationship a woman would've been able to teach me and help my self development. I would do the same for any woman I had feelings for, if that's what she wanted. I'm quite open to poly and would certainly like to explore it. I don't really like the "shoot to the moon, get everything perfect, ignore all the sexual and romantic past of your partner" approach of monogamy. Or the insecure and controlling aspects of it (if I loved someone in the past, I don't see why that's bad to love them now, I would feel like that's my partner trying to just control me and make something artificial). I believe a lot of support for “monogamy”, is just because of social control. This paper talks a lot about the monogamy/cheating dualism, where the mainstream people who subscribe to this dualism will refuse to even consider or will attempt to ideologically suppress the alternatives of multiple partners/consensual flings/polyamory.

http://www.pepperminty.com/writing/cheating.pdf

The bottom line is having FWB or serial flings or “serial polygamy” (many partners) or adultery is often more accepted in our culture, because it wants to control how people experience love. Because of this control I believe this is also why so many relationships end in pain since one must discard one person and move to the next.

I feel monogamy is actually unnatural, since about 50% of hunter-gatherer tribes had poly relationships of various types. When there is a lot of pain for a dumpee due to “breakup” and another person feels guilty and sad for having to have hurt the dumpee, this is because of the high cost that monogamy is taking on people.

It’s hard for me to imagine, that if a woman has 10, 20, or more sexual partners, or I have the same as a guy, that it’s really best to discard all those intimacy/sexual/emotional connections and go through life alone. I know I had a lot of trouble dating and for 5 years didn’t get a girlfriend, except for 1 fling and some casual encounters, because I wasn’t being forward enough as a guy — but now it is no problem because I got help from some guys who are good at dating. But if I were in a monogamous relationship it is very unlikely I would have been able to practice and improve at dating skills since that is “off limits” and I would be less confident and have a great fear of abandonment (because who knows how long it would be, 1, 2, 3 years until I had sex or intimacy again) — lack of confidence is extremely repulsive to women and causes relationships to break down. In a poly or open relationship a woman would’ve been able to teach me and help my self development. I would do the same for any woman I had feelings for, if that’s what she wanted.

I’m quite open to poly and would certainly like to explore it. I don’t really like the “shoot to the moon, get everything perfect, ignore all the sexual and romantic past of your partner” approach of monogamy. Or the insecure and controlling aspects of it (if I loved someone in the past, I don’t see why that’s bad to love them now, I would feel like that’s my partner trying to just control me and make something artificial).

]]> By: Tracy Westerholm http://www.taracronica.com/bonnie/polyamory-relationships/comment-page-1#comment-12297 Tracy Westerholm Mon, 26 Sep 2011 16:51:49 +0000 http://www.taracronica.com/?p=9213#comment-12297 Naomi! Thank you for taking the time to share your voice and story with us here on Tara! I think you are beautiful! You make me smile at how open and honest and non-judgmental you are. Very few people are as secure in themselves as you are and I admire you for that! I think you have reached a level of love for someone that very few human beings reach. True unconditional love. ahhhhh so refreshing! All that really matters is that everyone involved is comfortable with the arrangement. You make a good case for why monogamy is stressful and why poly works for you. Both are not for everyone and I see how you are embracing poly and how it suites you personally! I LOVE your response to Pamela! You really have it all figured out don't you! :) I think who ever is involved in a relationship with you is a lucky man or woman! Living and loving authentically is AWESOME! Thanks Naomi! T Naomi!
Thank you for taking the time to share your voice and story with us here on Tara! I think you are beautiful! You make me smile at how open and honest and non-judgmental you are. Very few people are as secure in themselves as you are and I admire you for that! I think you have reached a level of love for someone that very few human beings reach. True unconditional love. ahhhhh so refreshing!
All that really matters is that everyone involved is comfortable with the arrangement.
You make a good case for why monogamy is stressful and why poly works for you. Both are not for everyone and I see how you are embracing poly and how it suites you personally!
I LOVE your response to Pamela! You really have it all figured out don’t you! :)
I think who ever is involved in a relationship with you is a lucky man or woman!
Living and loving authentically is AWESOME!
Thanks Naomi!
T

]]> By: Naomi http://www.taracronica.com/bonnie/polyamory-relationships/comment-page-1#comment-12294 Naomi Mon, 26 Sep 2011 07:25:51 +0000 http://www.taracronica.com/?p=9213#comment-12294 ouch. I know that this is an old comment, but I would strongly recommend that if you identify as monogamous, you don't go anywhere near poly relationships unless the poly person you have chosen to date is actually willing to do the hard yards not just the fun parts of polyamory (namely truckloads of communication - because if there had been sufficient communication it would have been impossible for him to fool himself into thinking that you were wholeheartedly consenting to a polyamorous relationship, and he would have known that his choice was either between being poly and not dating you, dating you and no one else, or some compromise that you (not him) came up with that he could agree to. You should not be in a V relationship if you don't want to (though there is a lot of blurry grey area between your situation now and monogamy, so try and analyse if there is a lower level of non-monogamy you could become comfortable with before deciding that you are definitely monogamous), and you should tell him how unhappy you are (after doing some soul searching as to whether you could compromise on something in between your current situation and monogamy, or whether nothing less than monogamy will make it ok). Also analyse what it is about the time that he spends with her that bothers you, so that hopefully you can start to figure out what you would need him do (if anything) to feel ok with that situation. And also, get to know the girl better if you don't already, so that you realise that she's not a threat. And ask your partner to say positive things about you while he's in the company of the other girl. Unfortunately though, if your partner is not willing to do the level of longterm communication that is required to resolve the situation of you crying your eyes out every time, maybe he's not worth being in a relationship with. As someone who is poly, I would find it very difficult to enjoy outside relationships if I knew that they made my fiance feel bad, and also when my fiance is happy about my dating someone else it actually doubles my joy and makes dating someone else ten times more enjoyable, so imagining the difference between coming home to a happy partner sharing my joy over my other relationship and coming home to a secretly hurting resenting partner is very motivating for me to want to do whatever it takes to make sure that all my partners feel emotionally secure. Then again though, as a poly person who really couldn't go back to the restrictions of monogamy, myself and my other poly friends make a point of not dating monogamous people because their relationship needs are different and we know that we won't ever be able to satisfactorily meet them. ouch. I know that this is an old comment, but I would strongly recommend that if you identify as monogamous, you don’t go anywhere near poly relationships unless the poly person you have chosen to date is actually willing to do the hard yards not just the fun parts of polyamory (namely truckloads of communication – because if there had been sufficient communication it would have been impossible for him to fool himself into thinking that you were wholeheartedly consenting to a polyamorous relationship, and he would have known that his choice was either between being poly and not dating you, dating you and no one else, or some compromise that you (not him) came up with that he could agree to.
You should not be in a V relationship if you don’t want to (though there is a lot of blurry grey area between your situation now and monogamy, so try and analyse if there is a lower level of non-monogamy you could become comfortable with before deciding that you are definitely monogamous), and you should tell him how unhappy you are (after doing some soul searching as to whether you could compromise on something in between your current situation and monogamy, or whether nothing less than monogamy will make it ok). Also analyse what it is about the time that he spends with her that bothers you, so that hopefully you can start to figure out what you would need him do (if anything) to feel ok with that situation. And also, get to know the girl better if you don’t already, so that you realise that she’s not a threat. And ask your partner to say positive things about you while he’s in the company of the other girl.
Unfortunately though, if your partner is not willing to do the level of longterm communication that is required to resolve the situation of you crying your eyes out every time, maybe he’s not worth being in a relationship with.
As someone who is poly, I would find it very difficult to enjoy outside relationships if I knew that they made my fiance feel bad, and also when my fiance is happy about my dating someone else it actually doubles my joy and makes dating someone else ten times more enjoyable, so imagining the difference between coming home to a happy partner sharing my joy over my other relationship and coming home to a secretly hurting resenting partner is very motivating for me to want to do whatever it takes to make sure that all my partners feel emotionally secure. Then again though, as a poly person who really couldn’t go back to the restrictions of monogamy, myself and my other poly friends make a point of not dating monogamous people because their relationship needs are different and we know that we won’t ever be able to satisfactorily meet them.

]]> By: Naomi http://www.taracronica.com/bonnie/polyamory-relationships/comment-page-1#comment-12293 Naomi Mon, 26 Sep 2011 06:52:16 +0000 http://www.taracronica.com/?p=9213#comment-12293 also as far as the time/energy issue ... its not exhausting because I'm not trying to complete my two partners. Time is a little bit more limited, but emotional energy its easier - having my fiance there emotionally supporting me while I negotiated my first official outside relationship (before then I'd gone on dates but hadn't met anyone special), and also knowing that if I can't be there for my fiance then his girlfriend can. also as far as the time/energy issue … its not exhausting because I’m not trying to complete my two partners. Time is a little bit more limited, but emotional energy its easier – having my fiance there emotionally supporting me while I negotiated my first official outside relationship (before then I’d gone on dates but hadn’t met anyone special), and also knowing that if I can’t be there for my fiance then his girlfriend can.

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