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Here’s the Wikipedia explanation:
Polyamory (from Greek [poly, meaning many or several] and Latin amor [love]) is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate sexual relationship at a time with the consent of everyone involved.
Polyamory, often abbreviated to poly, is sometimes described as consensual, ethical, or responsible non-monogamy.
How do you feel about this girls? Could you ever imagine yourself in a polyamory relationship?
Bonnie ponders poly~ I had never even heard the term “polyamory” until last weekend when I watched an episode of 16:9 on Global which covered the topic. As I watched I thought, “Wow, how exhausting”. The lifestyle takes a lot of time juggling and from the outside looking in, appears to be a real balancing act.
The program interviewed Terisa Greenan who has created a web series called “Family” which is loosely based on her own polyamory lifestyle. Terisa has three men that she is in a loving relationship with and one of those men has a wife who is also the girlfriend of one of the other men…in the same relationship. Are you confused? I know it’s a little hard to wrap your head around. They all seem to be happy and handling it with ease. I don’t see a problem with any of it if all parties involved are happy. Truly happy. I just know, without a doubt, that I would never be happy in the same type of relationship(s).
I was an only child until I was ten so perhaps because of this, I simply don’t share well. I know for sure that I could never share my man with another. Ever. Personally, I love to be the center of his attention and I love that my husband is the center of my world in our monogamous relationship. I know the word monogamous itself sounds close to the word monotonous, but there is nothing boring or tedious about our relationship and so we are very happy the way it is. I can’t judge what a polyamory relationship feels like, never having been in one, but I have a hard time imagining that you could have the same intense feelings for more than one partner at the same time. I know love is supposed to be without boundaries and all that, but I don’t know…
Apparently there is an estimated 1% of our population that are now living in a polyamory relationship. That would mean 332,126 people in Canada are poly. And I’d never even heard the word until recently. Huh! Agree with the lifestyle or not, I just hope the rest of us can be tolerant and accepting of their choice.
Jacquie leaves no doubt where she stands~ I’m not even going to try to sound like I think this is a good idea. If people really could work out a way to be in a committed physical relationship with more than one person then the whole movie industry, romance novel buying, Jon & Kate plus 8 watching, Perez Hilton gossip following, soap opera fan-based populations of the world would all be a bunch of hypocrites! We are programmed to be jealous creatures and possessive about our mates! That’s why the majority of the world takes such an interest in other people’s relationships and are so fascinated by romantic love gone bad. We hunger to see two people fall in love and live happily ever after because we want to believe it’s possible for ourselves.
Don’t yell at me through the monitor yet. I’m not saying we have to act in erratic, jealous ways, but for the most part when you know your man isn’t loving only you, it feels like crap. It hurts like hell, in fact. I don’t care if you muddy the waters by using terms like ‘consensual’ or ‘responsible non-monogamy’ it still means someone isn’t getting the undivided attention from the person they love. I would like to know the statistics on polyamorous groupings and how long the relationships last. My bet is they don’t, but if someone wants to challenge me, then fine.
I’ve known a few women who have consented to including another person into the relationship. In both cases it was because they felt bullied and it was a last ditch effort to save their marriages. Did it work? Hell, no! Can it work for some people? Hey, to each his own. Just call it what it is; enjoying your sexual freedom without commitment. It’s a relationship based on sex and not love and personally, I can’t see that working as a long term lifestyle choice.
Tracy considers the possibilities ~ I choked and then laughed out loud when Bonnie first told me about this topic. I think the first words out of my mouth were “SIGN ME UP!”. Okay, the second words out of my mouth, but we’ll leave it at that. First reaction, if no one gets hurt and everyone is honest, (in southern drawl) “Well why not!” Trust and truth are the most important parts of a relationship so if you have both of those and can make it work all while adding a partner or two, whose to judge. Never say never and don’t knock it till ya try it, right?
I have been exploring my sexuality lately and, as you all know, I don’t keep much to myself. Well, I do but those topics are off limits. I have written about being a cougar, being single, friends with benefits, flirting, cheating, dating, sex and the attraction to married men etc, etc. It’s all in the archives. I had not heard of Polyamory before last week or knew this was an option couples actually considered. What courage it must take to start that conversation! You have to at least give the couples who venture into this credit for their honesty and acceptance of their love for more than one person. Authentic living with no regret? Or are there?
I used to believe there was only one person meant for each of us for life, but that was a fantasy world I lived in for decades having parents who have been together since they were 12! Ya I know, I think it can still happen but not very often. I do believe you can be in love with more than one person, but personally I would have to experience one at a time. I don’t judge anyone’s situation because if it works for them that is all that matters. I originally thought, it beats a boring and mundane sex life but it’s not about the sex. It’s about relationships and love. It is about intimacy and sex too but focuses on the relationship side. That is the biggest misconception. The alternative I suppose would be an affair which involves cheating and adultery followed by a truck load of guilt so I guess if you and your partner were headed down that path why not be open about it. Although an affair is usually about the thrill of the chase and the secrecy of the entire relationship and is mostly about the sex, not always, but generally speaking. You would have to be a very secure, open minded person to even consider this kind of relationship.
I am way to much of a hopeless romantic to ever want to share my man with anyone. I want a man who just can’t get enough of me and only me for as long as we both shall decide. It doesn’t have to be forever, but I would like him all to myself. If my man wanted to share me with someone else then he’s not the one for me. I have a very open mind and attitude but when it really comes down to it I’d prefer monogamous relationships. Monogamy can be hard for everyone but if you really love someone and work hard to keep your partner intrigued and sexually satisfied I see no reason to have to go elsewhere.
Goddess Tara
Jacquie Janzen Yee
Tracy Westerholm
Bonnie Johnson
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I agree with Jacquie….I too wonder what the longevity studies would reveal about polymory relationships? I couldn’t imagine most would end well. Participants may get caught up in the thrill of it all to begin with, but that would soon wear off and you’d be left with a complicated mess.
Imagine for a moment having to deal with “two” of the opposite sex when you’re not in the mood…..shudder,wiggle. I feel claustrophobic just thinking about it!! I’m just sayin…
I’m still stuck on trying to imagine “you” not in the mood! Ha!
LMAO !!!!!!! Believe me it is possible !! I am going to call you right now!! lolol Your crack me up !! Huge smile right now!! xo
Hmmmmm….. is it not an oath that we take at the time of our wedding day…. or a silent oath that we agree upon when we decide that we will ( go steady ) for lack of better terminology. Is it not what we were taught… that there should be only one person in our lives( in an intimate way)…. at a time…. what does this say to the younger generation that are watching our behavior ?
Are we as a nation losing our rights …. so that we can give rights to those who possibly are doing the wrong thing ? I don’t want to judge anyone either, but wrong is wrong !
As we be courageous in saying ( everyone is entitled to their opinion ) we need to not be afraid to voice our own opinions……
This Is A Great Site ! Makes You Think !
Amen!
Rick, your voice is being heard my friend and you are a GREAT representative to all the guys out there who are not able to express their words as you do! You are confident male who speaks their mind and is living authentically. I admire you for putting your voice out there as we do. Always a pleasure hearing your take on what we have to say! T
HI.
I just found this site. When I saw the topic I had to laugh. I am currently in a Poly-V relationship, but not because I want to be.
This has been going on for two years. It has been hurtful and more tears than I care to admit.
I still don’t know yet What I am going to do, but I do know I don’t want to keep living like this. My guy says we are the “pimary” and he does truely give me most of the time and we do live together, but any time he gives to her is to much for me.
Thanks for your honesty Pamela, I watched a documentary recently on Poly relationships and I do understand how so many people are attracted to living a Poly lifestyle but what would bother me most is that at the end of the day I would want to have my guy lying next to me not another woman. I know you will find what’s best for you, just be honest with yourself about what YOU want, no one else matters more! Thanks for delving into our archives ! Tracy
ouch. I know that this is an old comment, but I would strongly recommend that if you identify as monogamous, you don’t go anywhere near poly relationships unless the poly person you have chosen to date is actually willing to do the hard yards not just the fun parts of polyamory (namely truckloads of communication – because if there had been sufficient communication it would have been impossible for him to fool himself into thinking that you were wholeheartedly consenting to a polyamorous relationship, and he would have known that his choice was either between being poly and not dating you, dating you and no one else, or some compromise that you (not him) came up with that he could agree to.
You should not be in a V relationship if you don’t want to (though there is a lot of blurry grey area between your situation now and monogamy, so try and analyse if there is a lower level of non-monogamy you could become comfortable with before deciding that you are definitely monogamous), and you should tell him how unhappy you are (after doing some soul searching as to whether you could compromise on something in between your current situation and monogamy, or whether nothing less than monogamy will make it ok). Also analyse what it is about the time that he spends with her that bothers you, so that hopefully you can start to figure out what you would need him do (if anything) to feel ok with that situation. And also, get to know the girl better if you don’t already, so that you realise that she’s not a threat. And ask your partner to say positive things about you while he’s in the company of the other girl.
Unfortunately though, if your partner is not willing to do the level of longterm communication that is required to resolve the situation of you crying your eyes out every time, maybe he’s not worth being in a relationship with.
As someone who is poly, I would find it very difficult to enjoy outside relationships if I knew that they made my fiance feel bad, and also when my fiance is happy about my dating someone else it actually doubles my joy and makes dating someone else ten times more enjoyable, so imagining the difference between coming home to a happy partner sharing my joy over my other relationship and coming home to a secretly hurting resenting partner is very motivating for me to want to do whatever it takes to make sure that all my partners feel emotionally secure. Then again though, as a poly person who really couldn’t go back to the restrictions of monogamy, myself and my other poly friends make a point of not dating monogamous people because their relationship needs are different and we know that we won’t ever be able to satisfactorily meet them.
This is long after the fact — but I’d like there to be a positive response from someone who identifies as poly. Right now my partner is in another city with his wife. We have been dating for 1 year and known each other for two. My partner and his wife have been married for about 20 years. However, though your initial (maybe hidden) reaction may be to damn him for seeking out a second mate (‘isn’t that typical?’) — the truth is that it is the wife who initiated the open situation. She and her second mate have been together since 2004 — having grown from friends, she shared the situation with her husband, and things went from there.
Although I certainly like getting absolutely as much attention from my partner as is possible, he is attentive enough that I have a hard time feeling abandoned when I have a little alone time. Everyone has moments of insecurity, but communication and what seems to be the lasting strength of our bond — well, we sort things out.
I have also always identified as poly. It makes sense to me even though I was raised in a traditional 2 parent-3 child home. I like the idea of someone finding what suits them as the individual. If that means monogamy, I would completely understand the draw — I only have one partner myself. I certainly am in no rush to complicate my situation, but if the right person comes along, I am comforted by the fact that I would not have to snub all that I could share with them, and how that would help me, and my other relationship grow.
Mary I really appreciate you leaving your voice long after the fact, comment conversation has no time limit here, we welcome them anytime!
I personally would not have the initial reaction as you described. I don’t judge. I love and admire anyone who does what works best for them. It takes a lot of courage to walk the walk ! Life is too short to not be happy and if being in a Poly relationship makes you happy then that is all that really matters isn’t it! You couldn’t have said it better ~”I like the idea of someone finding what suits them as the individual” Perfect ! Thanks again Mary and welcome to Tara Cronica!
Tracy
I thought I’d throw out a comment in favor of polyamory, considering the comments lack much support for the lifestyle. My wife and I have been married for four years, about half of which we have explored some form of non-monogamy or another. We are both poly and are currently in what might be called a Y, with my wife having two boyfriends.
I’ve never been jealous, and seeing her happy not only with me, but with her other loves makes me feel happy as well (its called compersion). One of her lovers is in a long term quad, with his wife and another married couple, who have been happy together for many years.
Being Christian, my wife and I have searched the Bible and our hearts and we believe that our lifestyle fits with the Christian ethos. Polygamy has existed in nearly every society in history including the Catholic faith until it was forbidden in the mid 1100′s.
Even today, 85% of our worlds societies accepts and practices some form of polyamory, while looking at our written history brings that percentage into the 90% range. If it’s so wrong and doomed to fail, then why has it been widely practiced by the overwhelming majority of the human race.
I’m going to try and put my positive end on polyamory (being one for only a few years now) but in frank, all relationship styles suffer from the same issue.
Let me try first to put some prospect on it. How many of us have had failed monogamous relationships via cheating, communication, finances, trust and communion (relative problems with living situations) in comparison to being polyamours. I think we all can agree to not having a perfect relationship either monogamous or polyamours. The point that remains the same has to be a point similar in both. These are human traits, a failure in cheating (yes poly couples do cheat), communication, finances, trust and communion. And that solving these issues are more important to the issue then a relationship style. Many couples while still monogmous suffer from all the same issues of jealousy, feeling unloved, trust or lack of good communication that one looking at polyamoury from the outside of the looking glass would imagine happening. They do, but who doesn’t imagine issues of possessiveness in monogamy? Again, more to the point, issues happen because the problem is the same in both styles, trouble within human interactions. And many of these troubles have never been encountered and rather ignored. Many having issues say with sharing have likely rarely looked for means to solve this issue. I know I too have issues with jealousy but I’ve also spent time to look at ways to solve them. And example is that when meeting a new potential lover I’d look for how well my current mate interacts with them and that they can get along and even talk beyond me being there. This way a lot of issues of feeling un loved or unwanted can be shared and discussed. But also they have a benefit of having someone to discuss maybe there own misgivings with say I. Nothing tell you to pay attentions like two lovely ladies upset over a similar issue, and you damn well better listen. And this sort of thing while imagined in monogamy say with a bestfriend is a very different dynamics then a another in the same boat whom you can also call a friend.
Thanks for your slant on this issue. I see your point…issues are “human” based not “relationship style” based. I wonder if some human issues may become even more complicated in a relationship where there are more than 2 personalities. In the end, if it works for you and everyone involved is happy with the arrangement, then why not I say.
Ahh, yes well it can be more complicated. What relationship isn’t, and once you’ve found a way of dealing with any complication with a relationship you will notice them less frequently or aren’t as troublesome (though their will be ones that will throw you for a loop). The complications between personalities you handle like any other person you come into contact with. Same goes with multiples. I do think for any healthy polyamours relationship its assumed those issues between you and your mates separately and between both your mates they come to consider solve issues among themselves. We seem to assume that the unity person between the two relation solves all the issues. In the health ones I notice, those mates actually can solve them among themselves with a good level of rapport. So sometimes what you consider complex is something shared between everyone. I’ve had a number of times where my mates have solved various issues between themselves that I’ve never had to step in and solve. Its only when their communication breaks down I may step in and lead the discourse, but with the ability to solve it among themselves you actually feel the complexity is solved as a team. So while considering the complexities you should remember that you do have help from two parties. So i do recommend parties be able to maintain strong friendly bonds. This helps with jealousy and each feel better as an equal long-term committed partner.
Now it may be hard to find a second party willing to get along with your current mate and that’s why I treat polyamoury more of an option to monogamy. So that if maybe a person you see as a friend seems to get along with your SO, its easier to solve issues and maintain relations. That they aren’t anymore complex then solving issues among employee’s at work, (In fact simpler at times) since everyone has an incentive I assume to sticking around.
It was fun reading back on a post from 2 years ago! Especially when a personal opinion is attached to it.
I agree that issues are human based, some people have more than others regardless of their relationship style!
I personally can’t imagine being with two men at the same time…on different days of course! After being on my own for awhile now I am not even sure I could date more than one at the same time…I’d be willing to give it a try though…the dating thing
I still feel the same as I did last year, looking for a man who can’t get enough of just me! I think what ever works for everyone involved is something no one else has a right to judge.
Well I’m actually in a polyamorous relationship … (well, more accurately, two separate relationships at the same time where the partners know each other and are friends). I think this site explains polyamory well: http://www.xeromag.com/fvpoly.html
Being polyamorous is twenty billion times easier for me than being monogamous. I thought I would struggle with jealousy when I opened my relationship with my fiance, but I actually have the opposite issue – while I’m completely straight, I platonically love his girlfriend (she has become one of my best friends – he has excellent taste in what girls he should commit to), so I would actually be upset if they didn’t live happily ever after. I love my fiance and it makes me feel happy that he now has two girls interested in supporting him longterm (not to mention the “extended family” of my boyfriend and my fiance’s girlfriend’s partner).
Also I should explain why I find monogamy stressful. In monogamy you have to try and “complete” the other person and meet their every need (or expect them to suck it up and not get that need met ever again for the rest of eternity). Monogamy also feels very controlling to me – life is short and for me I don’t feel I’m being loving when I restrict the people I love so I want to keep controlling their options to the bare minimum possible. Finally in monogamy my partner can’t be honest with me, they need to hide it when they find someone else attractive and they need to deny/suppress needs that they know I’m not capable of meeting. Also in monogamy if my partner wants to even just experience someone else, they have to break up our perfectly good relationship in order to have a fling, whereas in polyamory there is less risk of me being broken up with because there is no need for them to break up with me before they can enjoy experiences with other people.
Naomi!
Thank you for taking the time to share your voice and story with us here on Tara! I think you are beautiful! You make me smile at how open and honest and non-judgmental you are. Very few people are as secure in themselves as you are and I admire you for that! I think you have reached a level of love for someone that very few human beings reach. True unconditional love. ahhhhh so refreshing!
All that really matters is that everyone involved is comfortable with the arrangement.
You make a good case for why monogamy is stressful and why poly works for you. Both are not for everyone and I see how you are embracing poly and how it suites you personally!
I LOVE your response to Pamela! You really have it all figured out don’t you!
I think who ever is involved in a relationship with you is a lucky man or woman!
Living and loving authentically is AWESOME!
Thanks Naomi!
T
also as far as the time/energy issue … its not exhausting because I’m not trying to complete my two partners. Time is a little bit more limited, but emotional energy its easier – having my fiance there emotionally supporting me while I negotiated my first official outside relationship (before then I’d gone on dates but hadn’t met anyone special), and also knowing that if I can’t be there for my fiance then his girlfriend can.
I believe a lot of support for “monogamy”, is just because of social control. This paper talks a lot about the monogamy/cheating dualism, where the mainstream people who subscribe to this dualism will refuse to even consider or will attempt to ideologically suppress the alternatives of multiple partners/consensual flings/polyamory.
http://www.pepperminty.com/writing/cheating.pdf
The bottom line is having FWB or serial flings or “serial polygamy” (many partners) or adultery is often more accepted in our culture, because it wants to control how people experience love. Because of this control I believe this is also why so many relationships end in pain since one must discard one person and move to the next.
I feel monogamy is actually unnatural, since about 50% of hunter-gatherer tribes had poly relationships of various types. When there is a lot of pain for a dumpee due to “breakup” and another person feels guilty and sad for having to have hurt the dumpee, this is because of the high cost that monogamy is taking on people.
It’s hard for me to imagine, that if a woman has 10, 20, or more sexual partners, or I have the same as a guy, that it’s really best to discard all those intimacy/sexual/emotional connections and go through life alone. I know I had a lot of trouble dating and for 5 years didn’t get a girlfriend, except for 1 fling and some casual encounters, because I wasn’t being forward enough as a guy — but now it is no problem because I got help from some guys who are good at dating. But if I were in a monogamous relationship it is very unlikely I would have been able to practice and improve at dating skills since that is “off limits” and I would be less confident and have a great fear of abandonment (because who knows how long it would be, 1, 2, 3 years until I had sex or intimacy again) — lack of confidence is extremely repulsive to women and causes relationships to break down. In a poly or open relationship a woman would’ve been able to teach me and help my self development. I would do the same for any woman I had feelings for, if that’s what she wanted.
I’m quite open to poly and would certainly like to explore it. I don’t really like the “shoot to the moon, get everything perfect, ignore all the sexual and romantic past of your partner” approach of monogamy. Or the insecure and controlling aspects of it (if I loved someone in the past, I don’t see why that’s bad to love them now, I would feel like that’s my partner trying to just control me and make something artificial).
Sexy Guy!
Thanks for sharing your view with us!
I personally think that if you can be honest with your partner and trust one another you can get through anything together. There needs not be an end.
I have not experienced a relationship I felt I needed to discard to have another one. I always ended one if it didn’t feel right or work, had time on my own before entering a new one. I think it’s important to be alone to make sure you don’t complicate your next relationship with unresolved feelings from the one before.
I think you also need to always be true to self. If you are comfortable with monogamy or poly you need to make that clear from the beginning when entering into a relationship with someone. The truth allows the other to either accept what you want and make their own decision whether or not they want to continue, it gives them the power of choice. You just have to give them the real you.
I don’t think lack of confidence is repulsive but what it does is confuse women in wondering if they are not doing something right or if you are not interested, it sends mixed messages. Shy also translates to not interested for some women who are not used to a held back personality.
I agree too if more people would continue to love someone they had an intimate connection with in the past (which doesn’t mean there will be another in the future) I think the world would be a much happier place to exist!
Give love is what I say! Which does not have anything what-so-ever to do with sex!
T